Dear Lonely Author,
I recently married. My young bride is learning how to cook. A month ago she asked me, “What do you think about my rump roast?” I answered her honestly, now I have a sexless marriage. What can I do to win her back?
Signed
Mickey in LA
———-
Dear Laboratory Rat,
When it comes to your bride’s toxic cuisine honesty is the worst policy. Believe in what I say. Lonely Author has completed many chapters of his novels while exiled on the sofa for a lonely evening. Questions about her rump roast or any rump for that matter, should never be discussed. And while we are on the subject of dangerous questions, beware of the infamous do these pants make me look fat? Buy her roses, buy yourself Alka-Seltzer, and next time ask for a second helping.
Signed
Lonely Author
———————————————————————–
Dear Lonely Author,
As you know, I had much success with my Twilight series of novels. So much success, I am intimidated and incapable of writing new books about other characters. What should I do?
Signed
Needing to write fresh Stephenie Meyer
———-
Dear Steph.
I must admit you had tremendous success with your novels. Read and enjoyed each one. However, I am sorry to inform you that I watched the movies (at fifteen bucks a pop). Trust me your vampires weren’t the only thing that sucked. Move on.
Signed
Lonely Author
———————————————————————–
Everyone have wonderful week.
Keep writing.
Ha, ha! That photo is just hilarious! Thanks for sharing like always!
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Thank you so much.
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Could not imagine giving even myself advice…even in fun…lol.
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Hahaha. I normally don’t dispense advice, but those two really needed it. lol Life is rough, I like to start the week with humor.
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Same here. We start with a good laugh at ourselves so that we can own it!! Enjoy your week.
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Thanks
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Haha, hilarious! Have a great week, too!
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Happy you enjoyed. Thanks.
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Yes, still smiling…you are welcome!
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You are hilarious man!
I love this post ❤
Love and light ❤
Anand 🙂
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Thanks. Have a wonderful week.
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🙂
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Thanks
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Very funny! Thanks so much for a good laugh! 🙂
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You are welcome.Have a good one.
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This is so super hilarious!! What a good laugh! Thanks!
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Happy to make you laugh Kally. Have a wonderful week.
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Thank you!! Keep on making us laugh! You’re doing a great job!
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Thanks. You are so sweet.
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You’re most welcome, dear. Have a great day!
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You too.
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I love the way your humor takes me to a happy place! By the way, have you invested in a comfortable couch? 😀 😀
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Always do. Find myself there often.
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Ahhhh I can only imagine!
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Thankfully, I have never owned a dog. If not you know where I would be… pass the Alpo.
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bahahaha! well, I suppose there is not enough room for all the people and the dogs in NYC properties 😉
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Thank God they raised the fine for not picking up after your dog. Walking the streets used to be like walking a minefield. Poop everywhere.
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Where there are many people I guess there will be many rump byproducts 😀
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OMG Yeah ratio between rump an rump byproducts should balance out. Hey, didn’t know I was good at math, did ya?
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Bahaha!! I could say the same to you, since in US, people don’t think an English Teacher is able to count 😀
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Funny. English teachers were the old spinsters that only talked about Jane Austen. I repeat, I never had a teacher like you.
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Ahh.. I take it as a compliment 😀
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Yeah Bad Teacher…..hehehe
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LOLOL 😀
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Writing and marriage are the same
You have to know your audience
To know what their tastes are
As always Sheldon
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So very true. Have a good one.
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Hehe, can’t wait to see what question E.L. James asks you.
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Oh, what intuition. I almost went there.
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I love the wit! You nailed the recommendations. My wife asked me what I thought about her new hair style. I told her it looked easy to manage. I’m enjoying the quiet time offered by this lovely hotel. They don’t even mind the decorations I have installed since I was informed that this would be my temporary residence until my wife’s hair grows back. I probably should have sent you a note asking for advice BEFORE making the comment. 😀
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Thanks. Hysterical. Perhaps the question wasn’t rhetorical, but there are certain things that a husband just has to outright lie. I have a special relationship with my couch. It gives to the contours of my body. Happy you enjoyed.
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I keep reading these jokes about twilight and I am postponing the books. It’s like I am being afraid of it.
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Read them. The books were good. Thanks for stopping by.
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Hahahahaha, your writings always make me smile. Thank you!
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That makes me feel so good. Have a wonderful week. Thanks for stopping by.
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That was soooo funny! Especially your vampire response, giggle! However, I am a female, but I have never, ever understood why some women get all pissy-huffy if they get an answer that is opposite of the one they want to hear when they ask those “loaded” questions. If you think you might not like the answer, then don’t ask the question. Why punish the poor guy for being honest, sheesh! Put on your big-girl panties, grow up, and stop trying to put your man through stupid hoops just because you think you can get away with it.
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God bless you. Love your response. If you don’t want the truth, don’t ask. Remember Jack Nicholson, “you can’t handle the truth.” lol In my younger days, I should of joined the circus from all the hoops I jumped through. Thanks for commenting.
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Oh wow, I forgot about Jack’s infamous line, and yeah, that is always quite appropriate. But to make a counter point, some guys can hold that hoop as well, and yeah, I hears ya about the circus that I should have also joined back in da day lol. A few decades ago, I just grabbed their hoop, said See Ya, and left their big-top lol! And my life has been so much more peaceful and calmer. To quote Martha Stewart: “It’s a good thing” lol.
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Yes it is great to leave the circus behind, but I still keep the funny red nose. LOVE talking to you.
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Oh I also love talking to you too, you are so funny and such a great writer!:D
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Me blushing. Don’t know about the writer part, but yes a clown.
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good comment.
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Ahem, that is my rant for the day. Now I cannot rant anymore until 12:01 a.m. rotflmao! ;D
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LOL I guess your rantless.
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Lmao, Good one!
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Ha! Stephenie Meyer. Those movies really did suck, didn’t they?
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I enjoyed the books. I think they could have found a better actor to be Edward. That guy was so bland. I just read she planning on writing more books with the same characters. So it is the same story through the eyes of Edward. Thanks for stopping by..
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🙂
I agree about the books. They’re way better than the movies.
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Hollywood does that all the time. Another one they messed up was the Time Traveler’s Wife. Great book. The movie had good actors, but it didn’t work for me.
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Oh! I had totally forgotten about that book and movie. Yes, totally agree. I loved the book (now I’m thinking I should reread it), but the movie was so disappointing.
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I reread it couple of months ago that is why its so fresh in my head. I love the actress Rachel McAdams (she did The Notebook). But the movie was only okay. You should reread it. Wonderful book.
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Lol..good one. 😉
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Happy you enjoyed.
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Hahahaha
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Happy you enjoyed. Have a wonderful week.
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Fun letters. And chimps are one of my favorite animals. Love seeing them starring on your site.
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You know, the funny thing is that I write serious novels. Everyone wants me to write comedy.
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My husband admits I cannot cook! We eat much better now that he is in charge of the kitchen. Admit the truth, offer to help her learn how to cook the things that you like. Trial and error may create a new cook in the family!
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Exactly. Maybe we should be sending these Dear Lonely Author letters to you. lol
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This was a highlight for my day! Love the honesty and constructive advice. You’re on a roll! 😊
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Oh, lol. Thanks
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Follow Madame Chimp!!! 😉
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OK, I will. Humor?
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Meant to be…. 😉
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Great thanks.
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Do you have the link
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No, I don’t….. 😉
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I will search for her. Thanks
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What humour. Superb.
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Thanks. Like to start the week making people smile. Life (especially Mondays) are too stressful.
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Smiling is one of my favourite hobbies. Strangely, I love Mondays.
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You probably have a positive outlook on life. I live by the laws of attraction outlined in the book The Secret. Positiveness brings good things to ones life.
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Absolutely yes. I view Monday as a new start… exciting ventures, possibilities and the gift of yet another wonderful day. It is also my day for planning my week and blitzing the house in silly clothes while listening to upbeat music.
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Nice. Even the bad things that happened to us offer us an opportunity to learn and evolve. Love your philosophy.
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I can sometimes have days when I’m a bit of a cluster…. and yesterday was a prime example of just that as I dropped things, knocked things over, forgot words and was generally ditzy. I have to laugh though as it’s somewhat funny to onlookers. I think it is mind and body overload. Everything then reverts to SAFE mode. A bit like a computer.
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Yeah, but it seems like you don’t let it snowball. You remain positive. I like to surround myself with people like you. So, happy to know you.
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The feeling is mutual.
When most people find a reason not to do something, I’ll be the one who find the reason why……a bit like running in the rain as it gives me a chance to jump in puddles and get filthy dirty.
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Nice. We are so alike. I realize even on the days of rain the sun is still shining.
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Excellent advice on all counts.
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LOL
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LOL!! Wonderful laugh for the day:)
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Thanks.Happy to make you laugh.
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laajawaab.
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This is funny, Lonely Author! Thanks for making me smile! 😀
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Happy you liked it.
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This was hilarious.
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Thanks. Happy you enjoyed. I try to start the week with a laugh. Life is too stressful.
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You can be so much funny guy in eye’s pain.bravo.
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