Lonely Author Decodes Men/Women English

Lonely Author has caught some grief over his guide for communicating with women. Hey, people I am a lover not a fighter. In my continued efforts to promote peace and harmony between the sexes I will decode Men/Women English.

But first, to prove he is a lover and not a fighter, here is an excerpt of his pillow talk from last night:

Lonely Author: “Honey, I want to make love to you badly.”                       Mrs. Lonely Author: “Well, at least you don’t overestimate yourself.”

Okay, plain and simple (like my donuts) decoding Men/Women English.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

* Yes……………………………….No

* No………………………………..Yes

* Maybe……………………………No

* We need………………………….I want

* I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry

* We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble

* Sure, go ahead……………………You better not

* Do what you want……………….You will pay for this later

* I am not upset……………………Of course, I am upset, you moron!

* You’re attentive tonight…………Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:

* I am hungry………………………I am hungry

* I am sleepy……………………….I am sleepy

* I am tired…………………………I am tired

* Nice dress…………………………Nice cleavage!

* I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now

* I am bored………………………..Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?………………I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?…………..I’d like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?……I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.

* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay

 

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

 

monkey_wedding

137 thoughts on “Lonely Author Decodes Men/Women English

  1. Thank you for this handy guide to decoding female English. I’m now going to try using it to communicate meaningfully with my wife. I’m not sure yet whether my next email will be to praise the amazing accuracy of your guide or to sue you for damages. Wish me luck. 🙂

    Liked by 5 people

  2. You are a brave man! Here’s the thing: we women have already figured out that all you guys think about is sex, therefore when you ask us to dance, we know what you’re really after! At least you’re trying to catch up! Thanks for the laugh, my friend!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL Oh, Meg. My better half just read it and she’s shaking her head. And she said the same thing you just did. Yes, But I wanted to show, that as much as men say we are direct, there is always a hidden message. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Risky, but funny 🙂

    (Also, funny how risky jokes have become these days. After some decades of expanding the scope of “what you can say,” we’re now in a contraction period. Sort of cultural breathing. Inhale, exhale. But gender-based banter will always be with us, as long as there are good-humored men and women who enjoy a laugh.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, PC has changed the comedy landscape. I often wonder how a genius like Richard Pryor or George Carlin would have handled this environment. So, I am careful about what I say. Thanks for stopping by to read. I appreciate it. Have a wonderful week.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m an INTJ, so I always make it clear to my husband (and others) what I’m thinking. He, on the other hand, could use a little help doing the same. 😉 (There’s always an outlier to stereotypes, right? Hehe, I’m usually it.)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You funny man!…and sometimes in my dictionary, NO does mean NO;)
    I don’t think my husband says or does nice things to me just to have sex,
    maybe, 50% of the time, BUT I think he just needs to work on just saying nice things, and being more verbal, BUT the sad part is he is old and set in his ways, so, I don’t see him changing, of course, I’m not perfect
    either LOL! Can we just say MARRIAGE is fucking hard and be done with it;)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Seriously, I felt little uncomfortable with that joke (because of issues about date rape and such). Regarding sex in marriage, I have always told my male friends, you act like an a-hole all day, you ignore her or talk to her like an a-hole. Then, at the end of the day, you are expecting good sex. It AIN’T gonna happen. Marriage isn’t that bad if both persons work at it. And always when there is mutual respect. Hey, if you and I were perfect we’d be married to each other driving each other crazy. lol Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate you dialogue. Not feeling so lonely now.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I may be the oddball among women, but when I say “You’re being so attentive tonight” toa man, I usually mean, “Yeah, you’ve been nice all evening what with the holding the door open and pulling out my chair and ordering for me at dinner, so out with it, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BUTTERING ME UP FOR?”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha. That is so nice to hear. I go by the same rules. I am truthful and straight forward, it makes for better communication. And the two most important things in any relationship, is respect and communication. Thanks for stopping by to read.

      Like

  7. Also when she asks, “Do I look fat in this?”, you had better say “No. You look absolutely wonderful.” She is not looking for the truth. She is looking for reassurance. Never hmm or haw around either. If you do, you’re going to need a shovel to dig yourself out of the hole you are digging. Believe me. I know.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YOu know, that hole do these pants make me look fat, kills me. No, honey those pants don’t make you look fat. The extra 20 pounds make you look fat. Oh, never needed a shovel. I usually end up exiled to the couch, lol
      Don, thanks for stopping by. You gave me a good laugh. Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Robert Dubac would be proud of your efforts. Based on 73 “likes” and “96” comments you have found a style of writing that appeals to the masses. Of course, I haven’t seen any comments from Mrs. Lonely Author so you may need to prepare for a chilly winter. 😀 Well done.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Hey, Lonely Author! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by my blog. And I enjoyed reading this post of yours. Thanks for the laughs! I shared them with my sons, as I read your post aloud. And I particularly like your send-off….”Have a wonderful week. Keep Smiling. Keep Writing.” It’s been my send-off in the past – except for Keep Writing, as not all of my friends are writers. 🙂 But i certainly sent people good wishes and that constant “Keep Smiling.” I know how much smiling keeps me in a great frame of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. First, thank you for stopping by to read. I happy delighted you enjoyed the post. Perhaps, you will like this one my guide to commnicating with women https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/lonely-author-guide-to-communicating-with-women/ and/or https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/2015/10/30/top-twelve-courses-for-married-men-if-you-want-a-happy-marriage/ I like the Keep Smiling Keep Writing. Bloggers are writers, even if they don’t consider themselves s such. Smiling is a big part of life and communication. So, happy you stopped by. Take care.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh yes, I agree about bloggers being writers. I was referring more to when I write to OTHER friends I know, who aren’t bloggers or writers. We exchange messages…..so that’s where I have been usually adding in Keep Smiling! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.