Lonely Author has caught some grief over his guide for communicating with women. Hey, people I am a lover not a fighter. In my continued efforts to promote peace and harmony between the sexes I will decode Men/Women English.
But first, to prove he is a lover and not a fighter, here is an excerpt of his pillow talk from last night:
Lonely Author: “Honey, I want to make love to you badly.” Mrs. Lonely Author: “Well, at least you don’t overestimate yourself.”
Okay, plain and simple (like my donuts) decoding Men/Women English.
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
* Yes……………………………….No
* No………………………………..Yes
* Maybe……………………………No
* We need………………………….I want
* I am sorry………………………..You’ll be sorry
* We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble
* Sure, go ahead……………………You better not
* Do what you want……………….You will pay for this later
* I am not upset……………………Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You’re attentive tonight…………Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN’S ENGLISH:
* I am hungry………………………I am hungry
* I am sleepy……………………….I am sleepy
* I am tired…………………………I am tired
* Nice dress…………………………Nice cleavage!
* I love you…………………………Let’s have sex now
* I am bored………………………..Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?………………I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?…………..I’d like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?……I’d like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay
Have a wonderful week.
Keep smiling.
Keep writing.
Lol
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Thanks for stopping by to read. I really appreciate it. Have a great week.
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Ah ah ah. Watch out for Dajena, she’s going to get you real bad now 🙂
I laughed my head off at this one and your cheeky attitude in bringing up the subject again 😀
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LOL You are so right. When I posted it I thought about her. lol She is one the West Coast, so I have a few hours to prepare. Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a good week.
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Prepare well, bring those shields and anti-bomb devices out. Thanks, you too
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And my security blanket as well. lol
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😀
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🙄 Can become rather complex in its simplicity! 😉
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lol How very true. Thanks for stopping by to read.
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Thank you for this handy guide to decoding female English. I’m now going to try using it to communicate meaningfully with my wife. I’m not sure yet whether my next email will be to praise the amazing accuracy of your guide or to sue you for damages. Wish me luck. 🙂
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LOL Good luck. lol Thanks for stopping by to read.
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You’re very welcome. So far, so good, by the way. 🙂
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Good
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Love it! Thanks for the laughs this Monday morning! 🙂
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I’m glad. Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a great week.
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You, too!
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Loooooooool looooooove the last one!
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lol You have me choking over here. Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a great week.
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Me too lol! Have a great week!
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Thanks
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You are a brave man! Here’s the thing: we women have already figured out that all you guys think about is sex, therefore when you ask us to dance, we know what you’re really after! At least you’re trying to catch up! Thanks for the laugh, my friend!
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LOL Oh, Meg. My better half just read it and she’s shaking her head. And she said the same thing you just did. Yes, But I wanted to show, that as much as men say we are direct, there is always a hidden message. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.
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Very good, not compleatly fair but good all the same, we all need a smile on a very wet and windy day as it is where I am cowering
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Not fair? lol Each side got theirs, didn’t they? Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a great week. Stay dry.
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If only. I was only joking, sorry, not many people get my me.
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Cool. Either way thanks for stopping by. Have a good one my friend.
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Very nice, mister 🙂 I know we women, girls, are bad but you? All you want is…. Nice post, really. You made me laugh :))
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lol Monica, men are TOO simple. We can’t multi-task like the ladies. And we have one track minds as well. Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a wonderful week. Looking forward to your posts (and pics).
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Thanks 🙂 Have a nice week too
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Thanks
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I’m glad you’ve cleared that up 😀
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Did I? lol Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a wonderful week.
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Sounds accurate.
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LOL Trying to get me in trouble? Thanks for stopping by to read.
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Thanks for keeping it fun and real. 🙂
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And thank you for stopping by to read. I appreciate it. Have a great week.
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thanks
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Your welcome
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Risky, but funny 🙂
(Also, funny how risky jokes have become these days. After some decades of expanding the scope of “what you can say,” we’re now in a contraction period. Sort of cultural breathing. Inhale, exhale. But gender-based banter will always be with us, as long as there are good-humored men and women who enjoy a laugh.)
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Yeah, PC has changed the comedy landscape. I often wonder how a genius like Richard Pryor or George Carlin would have handled this environment. So, I am careful about what I say. Thanks for stopping by to read. I appreciate it. Have a wonderful week.
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GREAT way to begin my day!
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Good, I’m glad. Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful week.
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You too. 😃
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Awesome….that was a good laugh for a Monday morning!
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Happy to make you laugh. Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a great week.
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To drunk to understand, Guess I am in trouble 😀
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LOL Thanks for the laugh. Have a great week.
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Back at ya bud! Men stick together.. but that to can be resulted in being gay. damn we can’t do anything right…
maybe we can get drunk. !
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Drinking works for me. lol
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Cheers! Here is to keeping it simple!
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I’ll drink to that.
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Haha.. I need to print this off and carry it in my wallet. 🙂
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lol You think it will help. Remembering the Men’s half should be easy. Thanks for stopping by. Take care.
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Haha.. Yes! 😛
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I hope you enjoyed your night of passionate lovemaking. Smiles.
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LOL As I stated, it went badly. lol Happy to hear from you.
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Awww.. 😔
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Hope you have a wonderful day. Thanks for the twitter suggestion. Still learning my way around. But it was the next step in my progression as a writer. Have to repay you for that. Wink
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Thank you and you. Are you enjoying Twitter?
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Yeah, I am. Picked up a few more followers, too. I can see where this can help me. Also, have come across some amazing photos that have left me dumbfounded.
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I am sure that you have. Some class and most trash. Smiles.
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And one very classy.
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Smiles.
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I’m an INTJ, so I always make it clear to my husband (and others) what I’m thinking. He, on the other hand, could use a little help doing the same. 😉 (There’s always an outlier to stereotypes, right? Hehe, I’m usually it.)
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Honestly, I am the exact same way. It is so much easier to communicate like that. Everyone knows exactly what I think and feel. Thanks for stopping by to read.
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No one should have to play guessing games with our thoughts.
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Exactly. I may tenderize my thoughts before speaking, but I make sure I convey what is on my mind.
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Very funny….very true..:)
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You said that, not I. lol Thanks for stopping by to read. Have a wonderful week.
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Loved the monkeys getting married 💑
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Ah, you like my wedding pic. haha Thanks for stopping by. Have a great day.
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You funny man!…and sometimes in my dictionary, NO does mean NO;)
I don’t think my husband says or does nice things to me just to have sex,
maybe, 50% of the time, BUT I think he just needs to work on just saying nice things, and being more verbal, BUT the sad part is he is old and set in his ways, so, I don’t see him changing, of course, I’m not perfect
either LOL! Can we just say MARRIAGE is fucking hard and be done with it;)
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Seriously, I felt little uncomfortable with that joke (because of issues about date rape and such). Regarding sex in marriage, I have always told my male friends, you act like an a-hole all day, you ignore her or talk to her like an a-hole. Then, at the end of the day, you are expecting good sex. It AIN’T gonna happen. Marriage isn’t that bad if both persons work at it. And always when there is mutual respect. Hey, if you and I were perfect we’d be married to each other driving each other crazy. lol Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate you dialogue. Not feeling so lonely now.
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If you and I were perfect..BUT, I am perfect Sir Lonely;) Glad you’re not feeling so lonely:)
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Smiling. Thanks and take care.
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Oh, and sometimes, yes, does mean yes…and your poor wife, I bet she
has her hands full with you LMAO!!!
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WHAT! She is a bigger clown that me. If we ever have children they will come with the funny red nose. lol Thanks for stopping by.
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Oh my 😅
Love this!
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Trying to be an equal opportunity sexist pig. lol Thanks for stopping by to read. Hey, talking about reading, when is your next post? You followers await.
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You make me laugh with that post – I enjoyed it😅
That is nice of you to ask
It’s coming 😊
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Yay. You are such a talented writer. I read your writing, then I am scrambling for a pen and paper. Take care.
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Love your support 😊
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You made me laugh out loud and I needed it. Thank you!
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Glad to hear that. Thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful week.
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hahahaha!!!! This is pure genius! I can read so much truth in this. 🙂
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Hey. careful your girlfriend might hear you. lol
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hahahaha!!! I think my girlfriend would agree to this as well. 🙂 hahaha!!!
P.S New poem posted on my page. 🙂
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I will be there shortly. Thanks
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Excellent insight. I just have to wonder why you’re lonely.
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Hahaha. Love it. Perhaps from alienating people with my silly posts. lol
Lonely only when writing.
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I may be the oddball among women, but when I say “You’re being so attentive tonight” toa man, I usually mean, “Yeah, you’ve been nice all evening what with the holding the door open and pulling out my chair and ordering for me at dinner, so out with it, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BUTTERING ME UP FOR?”
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Hahaha. You have the right approach. Not too many men still do that stuff. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment. I appreciate it. Have a great week.
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I do love this! My goal in life is to NOT use woman speak & say only what I mean. Tactful yet truthful. I think it’s a great thing!
Thank you for the heads up on man-talk. 😈
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Haha. That is so nice to hear. I go by the same rules. I am truthful and straight forward, it makes for better communication. And the two most important things in any relationship, is respect and communication. Thanks for stopping by to read.
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I was just reminded of something… My 2nd ex was very reticent. His way to ask for afternoon sex was looking at me & asking, “Are you going to take a shower?” That was my bat signal for shower/shave/sex… Sigh
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Hahaha. You appear to be so cool. You don’t speak lady-speak & you understand men. You are a gem.
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I tell my female friends this: You ask your guy, “What are you thinking?” When he says, “Nothing,” he really thinking nothing.
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EXACTLY. Shen she says nothing, who knows what it means. LOL Thanks for stopping y to read and comment. I appreciate it. Take care.
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Also when she asks, “Do I look fat in this?”, you had better say “No. You look absolutely wonderful.” She is not looking for the truth. She is looking for reassurance. Never hmm or haw around either. If you do, you’re going to need a shovel to dig yourself out of the hole you are digging. Believe me. I know.
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YOu know, that hole do these pants make me look fat, kills me. No, honey those pants don’t make you look fat. The extra 20 pounds make you look fat. Oh, never needed a shovel. I usually end up exiled to the couch, lol
Don, thanks for stopping by. You gave me a good laugh. Take care.
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Sounds about right!
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OH, man. I did well today. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment. I appreciate it. Take care.
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Robert Dubac would be proud of your efforts. Based on 73 “likes” and “96” comments you have found a style of writing that appeals to the masses. Of course, I haven’t seen any comments from Mrs. Lonely Author so you may need to prepare for a chilly winter. 😀 Well done.
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Hahaha. Thanks for saying that. Lucky for me Mrs. Lonely Author devotes her time to head shaking and the occasional raised brow.
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Hey, Lonely Author! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by my blog. And I enjoyed reading this post of yours. Thanks for the laughs! I shared them with my sons, as I read your post aloud. And I particularly like your send-off….”Have a wonderful week. Keep Smiling. Keep Writing.” It’s been my send-off in the past – except for Keep Writing, as not all of my friends are writers. 🙂 But i certainly sent people good wishes and that constant “Keep Smiling.” I know how much smiling keeps me in a great frame of mind.
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First, thank you for stopping by to read. I happy delighted you enjoyed the post. Perhaps, you will like this one my guide to commnicating with women https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/lonely-author-guide-to-communicating-with-women/ and/or https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/2015/10/30/top-twelve-courses-for-married-men-if-you-want-a-happy-marriage/ I like the Keep Smiling Keep Writing. Bloggers are writers, even if they don’t consider themselves s such. Smiling is a big part of life and communication. So, happy you stopped by. Take care.
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Oh nice! I will check out your other links. Thank you. 🙂
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Thanks. Take care.
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🙂
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Oh yes, I agree about bloggers being writers. I was referring more to when I write to OTHER friends I know, who aren’t bloggers or writers. We exchange messages…..so that’s where I have been usually adding in Keep Smiling! 🙂
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Oh, gotcha.
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Hi the send button before I was ready. I think it is a nice send off.
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🙂
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LOL! I am pretty straightforward in my communication. “I want sex now” or “No, get to your own side of the bed”.
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Can’t get more direct than that. lol Marriage is easier when communication is clear. Thanks for stopping by. (Oh, and what I really meant was thanks for stopping by).
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Are you sure???
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You are direct.
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🙂
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LOL That is classic. Thanks for the early morning laugh.
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And then they complain women talk A LOT ;D
Loved it! Very funny! As always you will find some more fun on my page. 😀
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Yes, you had me rolling on the floor. But I must admit I roll on there floor every time my stomach is scratched. Thanks
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Hilarious. Mostly because it’s true.
I’m all for whatever brings us laughter. If we’re laughing, we’re not fighting (at least not in any usual manner). So, I say bravo to your efforts.
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Humor can be found in truth. I like to start Mondays with a laugh. Life is too serious. Thanks for stopping by to read. I appreciate it.
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wow.english men n women ‘s language style r enjoyable n sáme like whole world’s d style.
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Haha You think so? Thanks for reading.
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oh sorry,very very sorry.isrr this coz that u r alone D lonely auther?
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No that is the name of the blog. I am married. I am okay
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do i not understand right about english language as u discribed?
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I think you understood.
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right.okay.
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u know dt our follower n blogger Beparvaah is serious n admited in icu.plz u n ur all followerd should pray for him.plz.
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THank you for letting my know. I will pray for him. I wish him all the best.
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thanks.god bless him.
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God bless him.
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Ha ha ha. Very funny!
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Happy you enjoyed it.
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Lol.
Okay, so can I call you sometime?
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Tell me Baby, if you still remember…..lol
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Hahaha! I had to go back and check what the translation of that sentence was according your list. Obviously yes. My god
God…I was being very flirty with you. I wanted your attention
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So, you think I am shallow and mere flirting gets my attention every time. Hmmm.
Yes, that works for me!!!!!
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Thought so
Plus I am super intelligent so that can’t hurt
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You are veyr intelligent. And I appreciate that
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How very charming of you to say, my lonely author
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Lonely Author can be charming when he is lucky
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Are you lucky today?
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I am spending time with you. Yes, I am
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Perfect answer, smarty pants.
I am feeling very lucky with all this warm attention
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You ,ike that reply. I am on a roll.
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You are! I can’t stop laughing and then blushing and then other stuff too
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As long as you don’t pee yourself.
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No…I can control myself!
😂
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Reblogged this on LIVING THE DREAM.
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Thank you for sharing my post. Glad you enjoyed it.
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