Lonely Author: My First Pedicure


“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.

Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.

Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.

To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.

A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.

I could get used to this.

I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”

The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.

Forget the conversation.

This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.

The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….

Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.

The entire salon turned to look at me.

“I’m ticklish.”

Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.

Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.

At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.

Women are built to stand excruciating torture.

No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.

Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream.  It actually made me a little drowsy.

Two quick taps on my foot.

Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.

Two more taps.

A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”

How humiliating.

She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.

An hour later, I entered my apartment.

Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.

No one noticed my lovely pedals.

I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.

Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.





279 thoughts on “Lonely Author: My First Pedicure

  1. Hahaha, thanks for this laugh in the morning. I will say, though, that I am a woman, and have never had a pedicure. Might be time to get one, I think, for despite your agonising experience, it does sound so warm and relaxing and pampering 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ..Or you could try using one of those…. epilators… The thingies that pull up your hair (on the legs etc), by the root.. I only tried that once. Sure, I will shave my legs, but with a normal razor and not with something that could very well qualify as a medieval torture device! 😜

    On a more serious note, I’m glad you’re getting in touch with your feminine side. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL That apparatus sounds frightening. My legs are a bit hairy, but not too much, so I will skip that process. Every man should get in touch with his feminine side. We need to see the torture when go through to look pretty for us. Perhaps, fewer women will be ignored. Thanks for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. In the 70’s I braved a ladies hair salon, well her coal cellar actually to have my hair Afro’d every couple of months for a year or so.Fortunately there was a curtain between me and the other clients and the huge benefits of a cup of coffee and a bourbon. There were no unisex salons back then and the experience of walking past the other clients to reach my hideaway was terrifying. That experience has put me off going for a manicure never mind revealing my feet to a stranger.
    I commend your bravery and sympathise that the effort wasn’t noticed.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sure you could get used to this. 🙂
    Haha… You’re ticklish? Good to know what are your weaknesses :))
    Cruel torture, ha? Now you know what a woman must do for a man. Hahaha!
    A Brazilian Wax? Hahaha! Good one!
    Have a nice week!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This was just as cute as it could be and I was with you every step of the way. I’m not going to lie and say I wouldn’t have been one of the women, pointing and laughing….but only good-naturedly. I’m pulling for the Brazilian wax, though. (not sure what it is but I’m thinking bikini area maybe?)

    Liked by 1 person

          1. I was just thinking about that. Loser NEVER saw me naked, except maybe a glimpse. I think there were two reasons. (1) Every time I would get all dolled up and ask him how I looked, he would say “you look cute.” I finally told him I didn’t want to look cute. He said “well, babe. You’re never going to be voluptious.”
            (2) I used to make my clothes and he got me a dress form from Christmas one year. I asked him where in the world he found it and he said “I had to have it made. Most of these places don’t make these things for little girls who don’t weigh anything.” He said it with such anger and it kind of ruined the idea for me. I was no smaller than I was in that picture I sent you. Soooooo…..I was never comfortable being in no clothes in front of him. I was afraid he would make fun of me…..again.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. You have me shaking my head. That’s an awful thing to say to a wife. If he didn’t appreciate your figure, why did he even start a relationship with you. He should have left you alone and found someone who “fit” his needs. He makes no sense.


              1. My youngest daughter said he “married” me so that I could give him thin, beautiful and smart children. His “first?” liaison was with my best friend who was shorter than I was but we were the same size…so go figure. He calls his current um….thing….”pudgy.” He always called me “petite.” I asked him once if I got fat when I got older, if he would still love me and he said “no. You’d better not get fat.” Who the fuck knows? One of our friends actually said to him once (in front of me) “you must be proud to have a wife that looks like that in a bikini after having four children.” Loser said “yeah, she kept her petite-ness, didn’t she?”

                Liked by 1 person

                  1. I was lucky, I guess. I remember my oldest daughters’ boyfriend saying “God damn! Your mom looks better in a bikini than you do!”
                    I never had any stretchmarks and the second the baby popped out, I was right back at 99 pounds. That’s the one good thing my mama passed on to me….plus you get big boobs…LOL

                    Liked by 1 person

                    1. I don’t think he cared. He did tell me that he liked my butt, though. Now, I’m trying to remember what I liked about him. Maybe because he was taller than most..and smart…and had beautiful teeth (which I saw often when he snarled.) LOL

                      Liked by 1 person

  6. Congratulations on getting your first pedicure!! 😀 Sounds like you had a good time and I’m sure you’ll be back for more later 😉 As for the Brazilian, if you do opt for that take a handful of Advil before leaving the house! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is so funny! Haha thanks for the morning laugh. She wants the other foot… hahaha. My best pedicure — sweetest girl, best foot massage ever — was the day before my wedding. And no, John did not notice my toes. But, to be fair, once my feet were exposed, everything else was, too. A man has priorities… and for him, they’re much higher up my body than my feet.

    I am very ticklish but I have never had an issue during a pedicure. Or a foot massage. Not sure I understand that… but I really don’t need to…

    Oh I think you should go for the Brazilian. For research. Because that would make a hilarious story. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. That’s awesome. You are experimenting on you feminine side…showing some compassion to the fairer sex.
    and why not it’s time that man show to woman that he can do everything she can! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Atleast, you tried. Male and Female are wired differently, so they understand and experience things differently, and respond accordingly.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. OMG!! I would have LOVED to be sitting in that salon when you were getting your first pedi. I could have talked you through it. NOW, I MUST be there for your first Brazilian. I ABSOLUTELY MUST!! Please let me know when the appointment is scheduled so I can make sure to rearrange all my appointments and grab some Depends for when I pee my pants. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I so needed a laugh this morning. Thank you thank you thank you. On top of that, I look forward to remembering this line every time I see anyone chewing gum – for the rest of my life: “The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.” I’ve had such a crappy crappy week, thank you so much, Andrew, for being you.

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Oh oh oh – for your first bikini? Yippy! Can’t wait to read about it! I will so need another laugh tomorrow. All I have to do is provide you incentive? I’m on a roll here.
            Keep in mind, with your dark curls you’ll probably look best in bright colors. Cherry red, deep violet, maybe a really dark turquoise. Do you plan to get the bottoms only, or are you gonna take both pieces? Don’t forget the photos – we’ll all want to see!

            Liked by 1 person

  11. HAHAHA! I love it – this is hilarious! And also same experience I had! I was so ticklish, they swapped pedicurists three times. Finally the owner said he wants at my feet next time. THERE SHALL BE NO NEXT TIME! They made me tickle until I cried, and the whole place laughed at meh!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, just found this comment, so sorry for the delay in my response. Exactly, I made a complete fool of myself. And the ladies there weren’t very supportive. I had to suffer the constant peer pressure of rolling eyes and head shaking. It was borderline bullying. Love your comment. Thank you for sharing it with me.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I had my first pedicure last year when sent to a podiatrist under my ‘chronic pain management program’. I was horrified when it was first suggested. Only old people go to podiatrists, and then I remembered I’m 60. I write about it on my blog, too. It was amazing, and I’m thinking of going back again, even though I do have to pay for it this time. She had old skin flying about when she used the electric sander. She grated, and scraped and picked. She rubbed in cream. It was a glorious experience. My feet felt strange for a week!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I was ticklish when I was younger – must be an age thing! I had to laugh at you lolling back enjoying it when she was signalling for the other foot. Mine was completely private, of course. 😮

        Liked by 1 person

  13. Now you have experienced something I never have and perhaps, this is why people think I’m a man…I’ve had manicures and love it but all this talk about pedicures has revealed a quirk in me that I don’t quite understand. It’s like I can’t get a pedicure because my feet aren’t perfect enough. I’d have to give myself a pedicure to get a pedicure like somehow, my neglected feet will reveal some hidden secret about me. My husband even offered to do my toe nails (after my sharing your romantic wisdom on pedicures with him) and I couldn’t do it! You made it all sound so beautiful but when my opportunity came, I couldn’t follow through. What’s wrong with me Lonely Author?


          1. Unique is a better word. It’s only fun crazy. You have a cool blog. I think I’m the one that goes all over the map but I’m not trying to become famous. I’m old enough to wear purple blouses, red hats, pink feather boa’s, and eat pickles with chocolate chip cookies if I want to. I worked hard for that.:0) Now, if I can just get these darn toe nails taken care of….what do you think, metallic gold?

            Liked by 1 person

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