“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.
Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.
Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.
To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine. Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.
A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.
I could get used to this.
I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”
The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.
Forget the conversation.
This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.
The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….
Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.
The entire salon turned to look at me.
“I’m ticklish.”
Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.
Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.
At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.
Women are built to stand excruciating torture.
No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.
Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream. It actually made me a little drowsy.
Two quick taps on my foot.
Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.
Two more taps.
A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”
How humiliating.
She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.
An hour later, I entered my apartment.
Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.
No one noticed my lovely pedals.
I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.
Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.
Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.
I THINK NOT.
Hahaha, thanks for this laugh in the morning. I will say, though, that I am a woman, and have never had a pedicure. Might be time to get one, I think, for despite your agonising experience, it does sound so warm and relaxing and pampering 🙂
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WHAT YOU NEVER HAD A PEDICURE?
Now, you know how I felt. I am so ticklish especially under my feet, I looked ridiculous. Let me know how it goes for you. lol Thanks for reading. Glad to make you laugh.
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Lol, no, never! 🙂 well I am sure they understood, you can’t be the first person who was ticklish under their toes!
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Yeah, but real bad. I acted like a silly fool.
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Oh dear :S Well! Hopefully this has prepared you for next time 😛 Or has this experience put you off for good?
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Retired from pedicures. LOL I will take care of my own pedals.
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..Or you could try using one of those…. epilators… The thingies that pull up your hair (on the legs etc), by the root.. I only tried that once. Sure, I will shave my legs, but with a normal razor and not with something that could very well qualify as a medieval torture device! 😜
On a more serious note, I’m glad you’re getting in touch with your feminine side. 🙂
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LOL That apparatus sounds frightening. My legs are a bit hairy, but not too much, so I will skip that process. Every man should get in touch with his feminine side. We need to see the torture when go through to look pretty for us. Perhaps, fewer women will be ignored. Thanks for reading.
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Secret; I do not shave legs either, when I am single/not dating anyone… simply too much work! 😁 Do not tell anyone… 🙊
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It’s our little secret. Wink wink.
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In the 70’s I braved a ladies hair salon, well her coal cellar actually to have my hair Afro’d every couple of months for a year or so.Fortunately there was a curtain between me and the other clients and the huge benefits of a cup of coffee and a bourbon. There were no unisex salons back then and the experience of walking past the other clients to reach my hideaway was terrifying. That experience has put me off going for a manicure never mind revealing my feet to a stranger.
I commend your bravery and sympathise that the effort wasn’t noticed.
Hugs
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LOL Thank you for sharing your experience. It was extremely awkward for me. I really could have used that bourbon. LOL You are too funny. Thank you.
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I’m sure you could get used to this. 🙂
Haha… You’re ticklish? Good to know what are your weaknesses :))
Cruel torture, ha? Now you know what a woman must do for a man. Hahaha!
A Brazilian Wax? Hahaha! Good one!
Have a nice week!
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LOL Glad you enjoyed. Yes, it was cruel. I didn’t look very manly to all the women in the salon. lol Thank you. Have a wonderful week.
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Ha Ha Ha!!! Brilliant!!
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Thank you. Every word true. Happened last Friday. Thanks so much.
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A great story, even better now I know it’s true!
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LOL Thanks
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🙂
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Never had a pedicure. Hate my feet being touched 🙂
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Are you serious?? I thought all women had pedicures. So, I guess you do your own. Sorry for asking, but can your partner touch your feet? Or is it off limits to him as well? Thanks for reading.
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He doesn’t touch them often, neither of us is into feet 🙂
I haven’t kicked him yet which is a good sign.
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LOL Well, if there is no need to kick him then I am assuming he’s doing the right thing.
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xddddd
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Thanks for stopping by.
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Oh Lonely…wonderful writing. But really no on the Brazilian? 🙂
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LOL Yeah, I think not. Just got a feeling it won’t work out so well. Haha Thanks for stopping by to read.
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O.M.G. no to Brazilian Wax please ha ha ha
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Hahaha Oh my. Yeah, I think it’s safe to say it’s going to be a big no. Thanks for stopping by to read.
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Looooooooool. So enjoyed reading this, made me choke on my coffee 🙂
Ummmm but pls no Brazilian wax, or else I will get worried. Very very worried 😉
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lol That is too far on the feminine side. Glad to make you laugh. This happened on Friday. Thanks for stopping by.
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This was just as cute as it could be and I was with you every step of the way. I’m not going to lie and say I wouldn’t have been one of the women, pointing and laughing….but only good-naturedly. I’m pulling for the Brazilian wax, though. (not sure what it is but I’m thinking bikini area maybe?)
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LOL Glad you enjoyed this. Yeah, the ladies were laughing at me. I didn’t feel very masculine at that point. Forget the bikini wax. My wife showed me what it entrails. Egads!!!
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She SHOWED you? Wow.
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lol
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I was just thinking about that. Loser NEVER saw me naked, except maybe a glimpse. I think there were two reasons. (1) Every time I would get all dolled up and ask him how I looked, he would say “you look cute.” I finally told him I didn’t want to look cute. He said “well, babe. You’re never going to be voluptious.”
(2) I used to make my clothes and he got me a dress form from Christmas one year. I asked him where in the world he found it and he said “I had to have it made. Most of these places don’t make these things for little girls who don’t weigh anything.” He said it with such anger and it kind of ruined the idea for me. I was no smaller than I was in that picture I sent you. Soooooo…..I was never comfortable being in no clothes in front of him. I was afraid he would make fun of me…..again.
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You have me shaking my head. That’s an awful thing to say to a wife. If he didn’t appreciate your figure, why did he even start a relationship with you. He should have left you alone and found someone who “fit” his needs. He makes no sense.
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My youngest daughter said he “married” me so that I could give him thin, beautiful and smart children. His “first?” liaison was with my best friend who was shorter than I was but we were the same size…so go figure. He calls his current um….thing….”pudgy.” He always called me “petite.” I asked him once if I got fat when I got older, if he would still love me and he said “no. You’d better not get fat.” Who the fuck knows? One of our friends actually said to him once (in front of me) “you must be proud to have a wife that looks like that in a bikini after having four children.” Loser said “yeah, she kept her petite-ness, didn’t she?”
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If you could still wear a bikini after four children God bless you. You need to forget the useless stupid crap that came out of his mouth. He made no sense.
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I was lucky, I guess. I remember my oldest daughters’ boyfriend saying “God damn! Your mom looks better in a bikini than you do!”
I never had any stretchmarks and the second the baby popped out, I was right back at 99 pounds. That’s the one good thing my mama passed on to me….plus you get big boobs…LOL
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Wait a minute. Thin with big boobs?? Sorry, I can’t get past that one. And he complained?? What is wrong with him?
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He’s a butt man. Yeah, I could rival your beautiful wife in the boob department!
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Wow. So you were thin with a healthy pair. I guess that is what attracted Loser to you. Thanks for the compliment for my wife.
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I don’t think he cared. He did tell me that he liked my butt, though. Now, I’m trying to remember what I liked about him. Maybe because he was taller than most..and smart…and had beautiful teeth (which I saw often when he snarled.) LOL
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LOL Forget hin. He never deserved you.
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I know…and I didn’t deserve him! LOL.
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No seriously, you didn’t.
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Ha-ha. You pampered darling. 😉
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LOL Hey, because I’m worth it.
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That you are!
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lol
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Lol!!! Happy Monday, humor day… 🙂
The chimp with a foot fetish getting a pedicure… just the thought makes me chuckle. Thanks for the giggles! 🙂
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LOL How ironic, huh? Glad to entertain you. Thanks for reading. Happy MOnday.
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Congratulations on getting your first pedicure!! 😀 Sounds like you had a good time and I’m sure you’ll be back for more later 😉 As for the Brazilian, if you do opt for that take a handful of Advil before leaving the house! 😛
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I don’t know if I would go back. Made a complete fool of myself in front of the ladies. Advil?? I think I would need anesthesia. lol Thanks for reading.
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Different day, different crowd you would be fine 😉 Hahaha anesthesia….
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LOL Yeah, it was a rough crowd. Almost felt like Rodney Dangerfield. Thanks for reading.
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Hahaha you mean you “don’t get no respect?” 😀
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EXACTLY HAHAHA
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I gotcha 😀😀
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OMG, the picture alone had me smiling and I actually started to laugh out loud at your story. (Sighing) now my Monday is complete!
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LOL Thank you for reading. Glad you enjoyed. This happened on Friday. Made a fool of myself. (Not the first tme). Happy week.
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Hubby would kill for a pedicure. He had therapy for awhile on his foot and would have moved in with her if I’d let him 🙂
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LOL The massage and the foot in water was so soothing. The rest I could have done without. lol
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You were very brave!
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Entered brave. Exited a squimish fool.
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Aww, hugs 😉
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Thanks
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LOVE IT! LMAO~yeah get a Brazillian wax Andrew😂 I think NOT😁 You’re Awesome🙌🏼
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LOL Happy to make you laugh. Yeah the pedicure was bad enough. Don’t know about this feminine side stuff. Thanks for reading.
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Of course you always make me laugh💁🏻 Yeah it’s not always fun! I will always be reading your stuff❤️
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Thnak you so much for your kind words. Mucho appreciated.
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No problem my friend❤️
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Oh my god! Hilarious! They say beauty is torture! Now you know! 😀
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I know have first hand knowledge. And the worse part is nobody noticed me. Boo hoo.
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Aw, poor guy! Now you know how that feels, too!
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Het, like I said women are built for torture.
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This is so funny! Haha thanks for the morning laugh. She wants the other foot… hahaha. My best pedicure — sweetest girl, best foot massage ever — was the day before my wedding. And no, John did not notice my toes. But, to be fair, once my feet were exposed, everything else was, too. A man has priorities… and for him, they’re much higher up my body than my feet.
I am very ticklish but I have never had an issue during a pedicure. Or a foot massage. Not sure I understand that… but I really don’t need to…
Oh I think you should go for the Brazilian. For research. Because that would make a hilarious story. 🙂
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Happy you enjoyed it. This is a true story. Happened on Friday. And I did it to see what was the big deal. Will never do it again either. Made a complete fool of myself.
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I would do it at least once a week if I could! Have a pedicure, I mean. Once a week isn’t enough for… other stuff…
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Of course it isn’t We need to bathe more often. lol
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Wow… yeah… that’s what I was talking about… bathing…
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lol
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Thank you for the laugh to start my day!
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Happy to mae you laugh. Thank you for stopping by to read.
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Perfect! Smiles. A much needed laugh and smile for a Monday. You never disappoint.
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Aw, thank you for saying that. You are so sweet.
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Smiles. Hope your day is lovely.
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Thanks
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That’s awesome. You are experimenting on you feminine side…showing some compassion to the fairer sex.
and why not it’s time that man show to woman that he can do everything she can! 😉
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Well I learned no men can’t. Women are the stronger sex. Hands down. No arguments from me. Thanks for reading.
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Atleast, you tried. Male and Female are wired differently, so they understand and experience things differently, and respond accordingly.
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So true. I’m too ticklish. I will leave that torture for the ladies.
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haha.
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Nice you did something different
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Smiling. Yeah, it was different. Not sure if I will humiliatate myself again. Thanks for reading.
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Given all the time and expense you went to in order to get your pedicure, I hope you are now wearing invisible socks and a pair of shoes with windows.
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I should. All that sacrifice to go unntoiced. Shame really.
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A tragic waste!
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Chimp sobbing
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LOL, too funny – I have never had a pedicure either. Maybe some day? 🙂
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Smiling. I thought I was the last person on Earth to get one, but from comments I’ve learned quite a few women haven’t either. You should.
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One look at my feet and they would most likely decline! 🙂
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Laughing so hard. Too funny.
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I’ve never had a pedicure. I had a manicure once in my life because someone gave me a gift certificate. It was a painful experience. I did not enjoy it. Does that make me less of a woman?
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No it doesn’t How was it painful? I thought it would be totally relaxing.
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I don’t know. They kept poking at my cuticles and saying they weren’t supposed to be there. It was a long time ago. It’s bringing up painful memories quite frankly!! (ha, ha)
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Well, you just clnched it. I will never get one of those either. I guess my feminine side experiences have reached their limits.
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I think mine have too!
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lol
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OMG!! I would have LOVED to be sitting in that salon when you were getting your first pedi. I could have talked you through it. NOW, I MUST be there for your first Brazilian. I ABSOLUTELY MUST!! Please let me know when the appointment is scheduled so I can make sure to rearrange all my appointments and grab some Depends for when I pee my pants. 🙂
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LOL Brazilian wax? I will need depends as well. And tissues for my tears. This was a humiliating experience. I wish you were there to guide me through this painful process.
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Your pedi was painful. You need to find a new place. Mine are always AMAZINGLY relaxing. Come on over and I’ll take you to my gal. She does Brazillians too. 😘
(already giggling) 💋
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LOL Oh, I see you’re insisting on the Brazilian. Let’s both do it. How about that?
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Hell Yeah! I’m in! But remember, you just made that offer to a serious pain slut. 😘
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LOL I didn’t see that in your one sentence description last week.
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I have MANY things about me that just might surprise you. 😘
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You are making me curious….
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Good! 💋
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I so needed a laugh this morning. Thank you thank you thank you. On top of that, I look forward to remembering this line every time I see anyone chewing gum – for the rest of my life: “The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.” I’ve had such a crappy crappy week, thank you so much, Andrew, for being you.
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Crappy week? Hey, we’re just starting. Some people do chew gum like grazing cattle making so many God awful noises. Glad to make you laugh. Have a great week.
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Great week very unlikely – please post about the first time you tried on bikinis at TJ Maxx or spun around in front of a mirror to see how your butt looked in your jeans or anything else to make me laugh.
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LOL Oh, you enjoy the Chimp getting in touch with his feminine side. You know that is so spooky. My wife and I almost went to T.J. Maxx today. Eerie….
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Oh oh oh – for your first bikini? Yippy! Can’t wait to read about it! I will so need another laugh tomorrow. All I have to do is provide you incentive? I’m on a roll here.
Keep in mind, with your dark curls you’ll probably look best in bright colors. Cherry red, deep violet, maybe a really dark turquoise. Do you plan to get the bottoms only, or are you gonna take both pieces? Don’t forget the photos – we’ll all want to see!
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LOL LOL We were planning on TJ Maxx for her not me. You have me in tears.
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Oh dear. Imagine you, the Chimp, getting a wax??? !!!!! How many yelps can one do?
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LOL Are you kidding me? Everyone in Blogworld would hear my screams. Laughing so hard.
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Hahaha! I know!!!
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lol
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Ummmm! Nice
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What?? lol
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The paparazzi took this photo of you getting a pedicure
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LOL You are terrible.
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Ha ha ha yes I am
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Oh chimp.. you make me smile. I hate you didn’t enjoy the experience though.
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Smiling. No, not pleasure at all. Not when she was grating the bottom of my foot. Are you ticklish?
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Yes I am.
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Good to know. So you don’t giggle during a pedicure?
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No I don’t. But it’s been ages since I’ve had one done by a professional.
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Understood. I guess I am just a wimp. Well, you are the stronger sex.
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Indeed this is true. Men couldn’t endure what we women have too.
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Seriously, no we couldn’t.
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Smiles.
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Ha,ha!! You brave man walking into a salon on your own. Major props😉
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Perhaps, I earned major props entering the salon on my own, but I lost them when I slinked out of there with my head bowed. Laughing. Thanks for reading.
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ah you are just lovely. One of the good men who appreciate us ladies 🙂
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Thanks for your kind words. Well, if nothing else, I now understand some of what women go through. Hey, thanks for reading. Have a great week.
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Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant. 🙂
hahahaha!!!
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When Chuck Norris does push ups the Earth moves. Chuck Norris is tough enough to survive childbirth. lol
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hahahahaha!!! Yep.
When Chuck Norris was in elementary school, he never went out to recess, because Chuck Norris doesn’t play.
hahahah!!!
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lol
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You like that one huh? Now, I’m going to get my own pedicure. 🙂
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LOL Let me know how it goes….
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I will. 🙂
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P.S I posted a new poem. It’s a dark humor poem/satire. Hope you enjoy it. 🙂
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Thank you for providing my start of the week laugh!
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Laughing. Thank you for taking the time out to read. Have a great week.
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Haha, funny. 😀 The picture is awesome as well. *Tickles*
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Oh, you’re making me laugh. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week.
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🙂 Have an awesome week full of laughter and joy.
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Thank you
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I was just going to bed when I saw this gorgeous Orangutan, I am howling in laughter. You must be related to my husband. I love pedicures. It relaxes me. Don’t try the Brazilian. It’s torture!
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LOL Even at gunpoint I wouldn’t consider the Brazilian. lol So happy you enjoyed this post. That was my Friday. Never do that again. Have a great week.
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Yup.. pedicure, massages.. all of that are always wonderful to experience virtually rather than personally for me too 🙂
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Are you serious?? I’m just too ticklish to get another one. An awful humbling experience.
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Yes I am. I have had only ONE pedicure in my life 😀
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Hopefully, it went better than mine. lol
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I laughed all through this. So funny. I’ve never had a pedicure either. You saved me from some humiliation the first time I go. Thanks for the forewarning 🙂
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Laughing so hard. If you’re ticklish like me prepare yourself.
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Ha ha ha. I like the foot tap. I would have done the same thing.
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Take me to a sports bar and I can defend myself. A beauty salon? May as well be a lost paradise.
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I’ve never had a pedicure. I did get a manicure once. I felt the same and never went back.
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John, I will never do that again. I’d rather do housework. Thanks for reading.
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HAHAHA! I love it – this is hilarious! And also same experience I had! I was so ticklish, they swapped pedicurists three times. Finally the owner said he wants at my feet next time. THERE SHALL BE NO NEXT TIME! They made me tickle until I cried, and the whole place laughed at meh!
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Hey, just found this comment, so sorry for the delay in my response. Exactly, I made a complete fool of myself. And the ladies there weren’t very supportive. I had to suffer the constant peer pressure of rolling eyes and head shaking. It was borderline bullying. Love your comment. Thank you for sharing it with me.
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Hehehe I bet it was worse since you’re a dude and all! I thought them picking on ME was bad! I dunno about you, but I can live with my crusty feet, thank you very much! 😂
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LOL Don’t call your feet crusty. Oh, I’ll return to taking care of my own feet. Don’t need to go through that embarrassment again.
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Crusty, crusty, crusty! You can’t stop me! And yeah. I bought this little pedi kit thingy. Maybe I’ll use it sometime. 😀
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LOL Enjopy it. hahaha
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I loved your first pedicure, lol.
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Thank you for reading. lol
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😉
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Ha ha – good one! 🙂
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Thanks for reading.
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That was too funny, especially the oriental tapping of the foot/hoof. Please, please get a Brazilian wax and tell us all about it! 😉
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LOL Wouldn’t that be a hoot.
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You could video it…
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LOL
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Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
HEY—THEY’RE ONLY TOE NAILS!!!! BUT I FIND IT HARD TO REACH ALL THE WAY DOWN THERE TO WASH, LOTION, ETC,!
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LOL Thanks for reblogging my silliness. I appreciate it. Let mw warn you, getting in touch with your feminine side isn’t what it’s cut out to be. Thank you.
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I offered to paint my wife’s toe nails, but she says the enamwl makes her sick. What’s a feller to do?
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Wow, what a shame. lol
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I had my first pedicure last year when sent to a podiatrist under my ‘chronic pain management program’. I was horrified when it was first suggested. Only old people go to podiatrists, and then I remembered I’m 60. I write about it on my blog, too. It was amazing, and I’m thinking of going back again, even though I do have to pay for it this time. She had old skin flying about when she used the electric sander. She grated, and scraped and picked. She rubbed in cream. It was a glorious experience. My feet felt strange for a week!
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LOL You make is sound so good. I am guessing you aren’t ticklish? I made a complete fool of myself. And it was a rough crowd, too. Thanks for stoping by to read my silliness, I appreciate it.
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I was ticklish when I was younger – must be an age thing! I had to laugh at you lolling back enjoying it when she was signalling for the other foot. Mine was completely private, of course. 😮
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Being my first pedicure, I had no idea of the customary signs thus I contributed to my own demise. Thanks so much for stopping by to read.
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I’m reading this in the wee hours and laughing quite loudly. If my family riots, I’m sending them your way!! Great write!!😃
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LOL Thanks for stopping by toread. Glad you enjopyed. This happened last Friday and I’m never going back. Too humiliating.
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Find a place that caters to men and you won’t have to worry about cat calls. At least your feet will be happy 😊
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lol Will they be any less ticklish?? I think I will do it myself. Thanks for the suggestion. This Chimp’s a coward.
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Haha. I gave the same issue. I always do my own 😊 Enjoy the rest of the day!!
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You too. Thanks.
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That’s ‘have’. Dumb phone lol
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lol I knew it.
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Thank you for linking to my post.
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Now you have experienced something I never have and perhaps, this is why people think I’m a man…I’ve had manicures and love it but all this talk about pedicures has revealed a quirk in me that I don’t quite understand. It’s like I can’t get a pedicure because my feet aren’t perfect enough. I’d have to give myself a pedicure to get a pedicure like somehow, my neglected feet will reveal some hidden secret about me. My husband even offered to do my toe nails (after my sharing your romantic wisdom on pedicures with him) and I couldn’t do it! You made it all sound so beautiful but when my opportunity came, I couldn’t follow through. What’s wrong with me Lonely Author?
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LOL You’re back to the man stuff. LOL There is nothing wrong with you. You have me in tears. Let your husband pamper you. You may enjoy it.
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Tears of joy? Maybe, I’ll have those too if I can stop being so self-contained…it’s funny but I really don’t understand why I feel this way. lol! Your writing revealed a new mystery in me.:0)
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Nice tyo know my writing accomplished something. lol Do I have the craziest blog in WordPress?
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Unique is a better word. It’s only fun crazy. You have a cool blog. I think I’m the one that goes all over the map but I’m not trying to become famous. I’m old enough to wear purple blouses, red hats, pink feather boa’s, and eat pickles with chocolate chip cookies if I want to. I worked hard for that.:0) Now, if I can just get these darn toe nails taken care of….what do you think, metallic gold?
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lol Need to see that outfit, of course with the metallic toe nails. lol Thanks for the kind words.
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True to my generation…”She comes in colors everywhere”… I’ll go back in my box now.;-} Type atcha later.
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LOL You are hysterical. Later…. haha
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Ha ,ha,ha………u n pedicure.
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Yeah, I did it.
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O my god.
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