Fragments Of Me (Time)

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Adults always complained about time.

Never enough time for this; not enough time for that.

My parents were at a dinner party; while I stayed at my friend’s house. I was summoned to the phone.

Barely eleven, I listened to my mother sobbing. Apparently, my drunkard father slapped her in front of all their friends. “Please check  on the house.”

Two flights up, I unlocked the door with a spare key. Moonlight filled the dark apartment.
Terrified, I walked through the quiet living room until I reached the long hallway leading to the back of our home.

I froze.

The man I hated for all of my young life, the tyrant who abused us, lay on the floor with a gun resting inches from his hand.

Fear, relief, joy, and sadness flowed through me like light through a prism.

Fighting the urge to run away, I approached him. The rise and fall of his back confirmed he lived.

Time for my first adult decision even though I knew it meant a beating the next day.

Dropping to one knee, my trembling hand reached for the gun. The weapon appeared to weigh a ton.

I thought of tucking it in my pants like they do in the movies. Then a odd thought crept into my mind.

Whoever said dog is man’s best friend didn’t have a pee-pee.

Shoving the weapon in my jacket pocket I ran out and didn’t stop running until I reached the black railing overlooking the East River.

Removing the gun from my pocket I stared into the barrel.

Why would anyone want to end their life?

There by the river, in a city of eight million people, surrounded by a magnificent skyline, I never felt so alone.

Making my second adult decision, I tossed the gun into the river.

That little boy stood there another hour, admiring the crescent moon, the river, and the city he called home.

He wouldn’t help but wonder…..

If time was as precious as people say, why do adults waste so much of it on hate and violence.

324 thoughts on “Fragments Of Me (Time)

    1. Honestly, as horrible as it sounds, yes I did. It was the only chance at escape for my mother and I. It never occured to me to shoot him. That thought never entered my mind. But wishing he did find the courage to do it, hell yeah. Life is funny, because years later, I sat in a hospital crying, cradling him in my arms as he took his final breath.

      Liked by 11 people

      1. That’s pretty profound. When my mama died, I had to identify her body. My precious older and younger sisters couldn’t do it.
        I remember touching her face. I told Loser….”I was selfish. The only thought I had was ‘oh, mama. I wish you had treated me better’.”
        Did your daddy change? Is that why your were so sad…or was it just that he was your daddy?

        Liked by 4 people

        1. It was just that he was my Daddy. And I guess he made me realize how many years we wasted not having a good father and son relationship. I wanted to take all those moments back and relive them the way they should have been lived. My last words to him were “I forgive you.” His eyes were filled with regret.

          Liked by 5 people

          1. Did you truly forgive him or were you just trying to send him on with peace?
            Wow….you do inspire me in the strangest ways….thinking about forgiveness…it just occurred to me to wonder “how do you tell somebody YOU forgive THEM when THEY don’t think they have ever done anything wrong? What does it mean to them? It’s like apologizing for stealing something that isn’t missing.

            Liked by 2 people

              1. Look at the horrors you and I experienced and they most certainly molded us into the people we are….benevolent, caring people who would never do to somebody else what was done to us. By all rights, I should be a serial killer…given the criteria that is often cited as to what “caused” those actions.
                If you were able to forgive him, that just punctuates that you are indeed a fine man. Me? Not so much. I couldn’t have done it.

                Liked by 4 people

                    1. What kind of quote? And don’t shrug off the healing thing. When I get my butt down South you & I will drink sweet tea & compare stories on Loser and my Dad. There is always time to heal.

                      Like

                    2. I can’t think of anything better than sitting around with you drinking the house wine of the South!
                      It’s Roberts’ three day quote thing. You post one quote per day for three days…it’s only three days.

                      Liked by 1 person

  1. Wow Andrew. This is very compelling. And how tough and somehow disturbing for a child to go through that. Just wow. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I truly am. But these life lessons made you the greatest person you are today. It’s all a learning process. Much love to you and you are right, time is not worth spending it in hating and violence. Totally totally agree

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Smiling. Thank you so much for your kind words & compliments. Too much time is wasted on hate, war, even arguing between spouses/families. Just not worth it. Our time on Earth is too precious. Glad that you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself here, Andrew! It was insightful. And relatable. And terribly, tragically, magically human…

    Time is a mysterious, almost tangible phenomenon, and taking such a trip into the past is potent and potentially enlightening. I trust something of that memory applies to where you are today, and that this writing helps(ed) discover its relevancy…

    Offering hugs and compassion to both the boy child within you and the man you have become… 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Smiling. Thank you for your tender thoughts. I called this little series Fragments of Me because when you put these stories together they make the whole that I am today. Writing this filled me with sadness and a boatload of forgiveness. Thanks for your words. Chimp receiving your hugs with open arms.

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Smiling. Thanks for your kind words. Yes every word was true. My childhood in an abusive home was difficult. But it did help me become the adult I am today. Irefuse to do the things my Dad did to me and my mother. Life is too short for hate or abuse. Thank you for stopping by to read and comment.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Your writing is powerful. There is no question that our history shapes who we later become. It hurts me to read about a child in such terrible circumstances. Andrew, I am so sorry you have such memories. But you have grown into one of the sweetest, most supportive and caring men I’ve ever “met.” Of course, I have a feeling you would have become that man no matter what. Everyone in your life is lucky to have you… now and when you were the boy above.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for this amazing commentary. Events in our childhood do form the adults we become. Don’t be sorry for the memories, they keep me on track with the life I want to live. Thanks for your kind words and for reading.

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Sorry, for bringing on the tears. Some memoires haunt us all our lives. I try to use them ina positive way, to remind myself who I don’t want to become. Nothing good can come from bitterness. Thank you for reading. And I am so sorry that you were abused as a child. Hugs.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you. I have not allowed bitterness to rule my Life and I have taken what was done to me and transformed it into Understanding and Compassion. ALL things work together for good. This is not me saying it is OK for a child to be abused! NO! Yet IF we can Master our lower emotions to see the Higher Road and to walk that Road, we literally change our lives as we learn that truly we are LOVE. ALL is LOVE. Many must walk many miles before they see this Truth. I am SO grateful that I have been afforded the chance to see this Truth in this lifetime. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Beautiful. I never tried to imply you are bitter. I have friends who suffered abuse and they turned to alcohol or drugs or became abusers themselves. Many of them live with bitterness. You and I are on the same page. Thankfully, we both know the significance of love. Thanks

          Liked by 2 people

          1. In my earlier years I did turn to alcohol and drugs. And more. Then I had a NDE that got my life totally turned around. I never thought you implied I was bitter. (Smile) No worries, my friend. We both are walking/talking Love. 🙂 ❤

            Liked by 2 people

  4. Wow Andrew! Very powerful and an eloquent write. It’s horrendous that you had to make such adult decisions at such a tender age. I love your final line. I was contemplating something similar recently about anger. Ralph Waldo Emerson said
    “For every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness” and that is so true. Anger, violence…just a waste of time. Thank you again for sharing a part of you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Smiling. Wow, thanks for sharing that quote. I love it. We do waste too much time on the negative. I prefer to invest mine on positive things like love, hope, and understanding. Thanks for reading and contributing your beautiful thoughts.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Smiles. I adore that quote and I deal daily with someone who spends too much time with anger. I have never been that way. I don’t like conflict in any case but I find that time is too short and I, like you, would rather invest it in positive. I make my mistakes like everyone else but really do try hard to think and be positive. Focus on the good that there is. Because there is plenty.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Well said. I agree with everything. In fact I could have cut & pasted it here. I have my days where I am feeling down or where I temporarily lose my focus, but for the most part, it’s only loving thoughts, acceptance, and positivity. Thanks for your wonderful comments.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Well now I know your name Andrew… Such a stunning and jaw dropping piece you have written here and I commend your courage to write and share it. I can’t even imagine the horror of this moment for a young boy. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I hope this doesn’t sound inappropriate, but I very much enjoyed this post. The subject matter made my stomach churn and my heart ache. You experienced something that no child, or adult for that matter, should have to endure. However, the part I enjoyed was getting another look into WHO the lonelyauthor REALLY is. We are the sum total of all our experiences. You have added yours up, and produced an absolutely beautiful soul. I sit in awe of you today. XO

    Liked by 2 people

    1. My eyes are swelling with tears with all these beautiful comments. Now your words have released them. I called this Fragments of Me cause these little childhood moments form the adults that we become. Smiling. Lucky for me the little boy never used the abuse or violence to turn to drugs or alcohol. Nor have I ever struck a woman or my daughter. I am happy to piece together the pieces of Lonely Author to provide a better knowledge on how this Chimp evolved. Thank you for your soothing words. I appreciate everything about you. EVERYTHING

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Let the tears fall. It’s amazing how the flow helps to clean your heart and soul. You should be Very proud of yourself for breaking the cycle. It takes immeasurable strength to do that. If my words soothed you, I am humbled. If my EVERYTHING soothes you, I’m ALL IN! 😊

        Liked by 2 people

  7. Powerful. My old man had many guns – rifles, actually. Unfortunately he never drank, so his abuse was always done sober. Don’t know that it makes a difference, actually – probably wouldn’t have mattered then either. Proud of you for throwing the gun in the river. The courage to make those ‘adult’ decisions should never be thrown on a child, but I feel you handled it well. Don’t know that I would have come to the same one…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. No one should ever receive abuse. Drinking is never an excuse. I worry about word count with my posts so I didn’t want to stretch out the story, but I spent quite a bit of time staring at the gun, knowing he would beat me the next day. In the end I concluded a man capable of such violence could one day use the weapon in anger. I told this story & honestly my wounds have healed, I never let it ruin my life with bitterness. Have you healed? Sorry, for asking.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t be sorry for asking. Survivors need to be able to be real with each other – you’re asking is part of my healing. ‘Have I healed?’ … completely, no. I did a lot a few years after his death – wrote a letter … There’s a lot of good I remember, just the other too.
        ps – I’ve never thought your posts were too long or too wordy …

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Smiling. I always try to keep my posts short because I understand people do have constraints on time and they have plenty of other blogs to read. We never forget these moments in our lives. It doesn’t sound as if you have let this ruin your life either. Be well my friend. Thank you so much for reading and commenting.

          Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s always heartbreaking to read posts (and comments on posts) like this. They dredge up memories best left forgotten, pain I have yet to heal from. I don’t think I have it in me to forgive my parents for the living nightmare that was my childhood – regardless of how much time passes. My chest constricts at the very thought. Maybe one day, but today’s not that day. All I know is that I live my life every single day with the thought that I will be the antithesis of everything they stood for, believe in, and did.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. At an early age I vowed to never become him. Thankfully, one day I realized I allowed bitterness & anger to consume me. As I stated in the piece “if time is so precious” why would I waste it on negative things? I wear these moments like battle scars to remind me what I don’t want to do. I refuse to let these memories ruin another day of my life. Thanks for stopping by to read and comment.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. That is so true. Also, make a vow to not let it happen again by accepting our true worth. By valuing ourselves we avoid falling into this trap a second time. Thank you so much for dropping by to contribute your thoughts. I appreciate it. Have a wonderful day.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Forgiveness is the only way to be. The same way I have my childhood scars that formed this adult Chimp, my Dad his that made him the way he turned out. Let me share this with you. My daughter’s mother wanted to end the relationship with me. When I married Allie she was outraged. For the past seven years she has made our lives a living hell. She hated us so much. Now she has been diagnosed with cancer. Nothing good will come out of hate and bitterness. I may sound like a 60s hippie, but Karma does exist.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. My story is a little similar in reverse. I’m the current wife. I think the exes just don’t want the guys they had and didn’t want to ever be happy. I don’t understand the hatred — I didn’t break up hubbys marriage, he was divorced when I met him, but OMG, the hate from his ex and the lies she told. I feel for you and Allie. Yes, I believe in karma!

        Liked by 2 people

  9. Man, that was such a difficult experience for anyone to go through — much less a child of eleven. It must’ve taken a great deal of strength to do what you did. And that last line rings with truth. Far too much time is spent on hate and violence.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. For a moment there, I prayed it was a piece of fiction as I read it. That’s such a huge weight for any child to have to carry and at such a young age too. It’s such a good thing that you still turned into a graceful and beautiful human.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. No this was a true story. My father’s abuse & that little incident eventually pushed me in the direction of love, peace, understanding and most importantly forgiveness. I vowed to never be like him. I have never struck a woman or my daughter. Never will. Don’t drink do drugs or smoke. I like to think this Chimp evolved. Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them.

      Liked by 3 people

  11. I think survivors of domestic violence are a strong group. They often decide that their lives will be nothing like the lives they were brought up in. While I was never a victim of violence, my mom was, and I witnessed it. Eventually, I made amends with my dad. 4 years later, I lost him. In that brief time of reuniting, he knew he had done wrong and yes, I forgave him Hugs, my friend. We are strong because of who we are

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That is so true. The same happened to me. When my father finally accepted me as a man, we became the best of friends. We tried to catch up on the lost years, but he died a few months later. I vowed to be different. If I haven’t accomplished anything in life, I have broken the chain of abuse that sometimes passes from generation to generation. Thank you so much for reading, sharing your story, and for being so supportive.

      Liked by 2 people

  12. Wow. Experiences like this can make or break you. Seems like you took it upon yourself to make sure you could protect and care for your mother. And you vowed to not be like him/let this dictate your life. Pretty amazing. Shows your resilience and kind character. Glad you shared this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Blushing. Thank you for reading and for your kind words. We can’t let the abuse affect our adult lives. Some turn to drugs or alcohol. And many inflict the same abuse they suffered as a child. That is why this cycle in many families never seems to end. Thanks.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Understood. That is so interesting. You know I write screenplays, and there is a heavy influence for one liners in movies. But I never really though of it in the creative way you do it. Watch me give it a go one of these days. (Oh, and I think the little tweets I have been writing are helping me to write one liners). Thanks

          Liked by 2 people

  13. I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. I’m just now relaxing at the salon. You as a little boy has had to make adult decisions. And for that, I am truly sorry. What you had to go through, I believe has made you the kind gentlemen that you are today. Smiles.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Best i read today. I love it. Thank you. It takes courage to take such decision and a right kind of mind. Not many children would do that. Firstly, if i were at your place, i would have ran scared and praying. Even holding a gun is a big thing and then having a courage to take it and throw it without even thinking about the consequences. wow, brave little Andrew.I loved the last line as well, why spend days and time in hatred. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. To answer that: Adults are petty and don’t have the simplicity and innocence that children have! In other words,adults hate and waste time due to sheer ignorance! Adults need to remember that life goes quickly and adopt the optimism and joy for life that children do.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Andrew, it’s so hard to forgive our parents, especially when they’ve been truly awful as was your father.
    My mother suffers from Alzheimer’s now, but was mentally ill with borderline personality disorder when I was a kid. It’s horrible to grow up with a parent who has this syndrome, especially since she was never diagnosed or treated. When I was seven I began to pray each night not to wake in the morning. It wasn’t a wish to die or commit suicide because I understood neither. It was just a wish not to face another day of fear, abuse, and pain. I wrote a poem about it recently, posted it on my blog, then removed it before publication. It was enough for me to write it.
    Since my mom is now so ill, she has no memory at all of all the trauma she caused me and my siblings. Now she is sweet and grateful for the time I spend with her. I tell her nothing about all my problems. Nothing good would come of sharing such misery with a woman so ill and with so little memory. I work every day to make her happy, to try to forget how awful she was, to understand the dark place that once ruled her. She calls me an angel from heaven, this woman who never once told me she loved me when I was a child.
    Now she faces the darkest, loneliest place of all, a place without the memories of all she loved. I can’t go there with her. I can only hold her hand and tell her I love her. It is only by forgiving her, and by forgiving myself all the hateful feelings I had for her when I was young, that I can heal and become whole.
    I hope you’re able to make this kind of transformation for yourself. I can see at least the beginnings of your efforts to realize that as horrible as your father was, he was also a tortured soul who didn’t understand that bringing violence to the ones he should have loved and protected was not going to bring redemption to him. He must have died in agony.
    Thankfully, you will not. I wish you peace and love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I found my peace through forgiveness. I understand the tragedies of my father’s childhood made him the man he became. I wear these scars like medals of honor to remind myself who I don’t want to become. This little nostalgic journey is helping me better understand what makes me tick. Don’t know if you have considered it, but your story is the stuff great novels are made of. The irony of you caring for her, possibly remembering memories that have been erased from her mind is powerful. So sorry, you had to live through bad times. You have become a warm, loving, thoughtful adult. Like me, I believe you are determined to break the chains of abuse that can be passed on from generation to generation. Sending you love and hugs. One day, we will sit over lunch, and talk about these days of overcoming these nightmares and becoming published authors.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Andrew, have you noticed how much response this article elicited? You touch the pulse of so many people, and they feel safe enough to share their stories. You are indeed not only healed but a healer.
        If you think you could stand to have lunch with a turquoise-faced woman, we’re on. Your story is also a novel and one to tell the world in order to break the cycle.

        Like

  17. Ohh gosh.. 😦 gut wrenching…made me want to come there and hug you!!! and the contrast — What a wonderful father YOU have become! Proud of all the love you give!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. What a beautiful and heart-wrenching write. Most have said it all but I just wanted to open my arms and hug both of you (the chimp and the little boy) once again. Sending much love to you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smiling. Thank you. I am receiving your hugs & healing with open arms. I’m way past this. One day I woke up & realized harboring this bitterness inside would ruin the rest of my life. These pieces of our lives make us who we are. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Most welcome sweets (I can say that now that you’ve come in touch – with much ouch – with your feminine side) 😛
        Very wise choice Andrew. You should still reflect though upon whether you are really way past this. Patterns form and spiral coming back to us hauntingly until all remnants of our chains have been split. Be well my friend, always

        Liked by 1 person

            1. Geetha, I am a stupid goof today. Well most days. In one of our previous conversations you made me think it’s not these women gravitating to me, it is me moving toward them. That is a cycle I haven’t been able to break. You are so insightful.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. You’re not a goof but methinks that little child needs more than a hug. He’s looking for redemption perhaps, for a guilt that was not his to bear in the first place. Maybe when he realises that within his heart of hearts the cycle will be broken. We often find it easier to forgive others than forgive ourselves, regardless of whether the guilt was ours to bear or not.

                Liked by 1 person

      1. U have losting ur childhoo in playing,ur youth in sleeping n weep now in age of old age.i mean d youth is d golden age for progress n fulfiling of dreams.i think- u have under stood.m i right ?

        Liked by 1 person

  19. As a child in your specific situation I don’t think I could have made that adult decision, I probably would have run out. I love how you were able to forgive him in the end. My mother was my abuser and it’s funny how all these years later she flipped the scrip and rewrote history. The only problem with this is that I haven’t forgotten. Oddly enough when my absentee father died I would have given anything to feel something (anger, bitterness, pain) yet to this day I feel numb. It probably isn’t shocking though since I could never adjust to having a father in my life, it just didn’t feel right.

    To come out of a situation like yours, being a better person in spite of it is such an inspiration and a testament to the power of forgiveness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Smiling. I haven’t forgotten either, but forgiveness is a powerful weapon. My life was on a path of bitterness. By forgiving, I avoided drugs, alcohol, & a lifetime of therapy. I use this memory to remind me of who I don’t want to be. Sorry to hear of your experience. I hope with time, the painful memories fade. Thanks for stopping by to read. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Sending you a heartfelt hug.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awe man, so that was the key. Drat!! Was never into the drug scene but alcohol was a very good friend for way too long but I’m so grateful to have been released from that bondage. Also, I swore that when I had kids I wouldn’t treat them as I was treated. I made plenty of mistakes but for the most part they’ve told me I’m their hero.

        For the most part the pain has susided I just get ticked when my mother invents inaccurate memories and in addition puts me on a guilt trip. Its just so unnecessary.

        Thank you for the virtual hug. Right back at ya!👍

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Perhaps, we live in a Giant Fishbowl:
    I enjoy the worldwide sharing of experiences and knowledge, this social phenomena is a treasure – even as it provides a greater platform for institutional surveillance to intrude into personal and private details of our lives.
    I found searching the internet blogs, vlogs, forums, and podcasts are useful replacements for mainstream mass media.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Oh, I want to share a small portion of yesterday’s dream:
    Before dawn today I had a dream that included a towering giant, taller than the world’s largest skyscrapers.
    I had a brief struggle with myself to gather my will-power to scream up at the towering giant, thinking that he would not hear and notice me, as ants are often ignored.
    I shouted, “You are going to die!”
    The giant stopped and turned to look directly at me…

    https://ronmamita.wordpress.com/2016/03/03/corporate-sponsored-how-to-manage-civilization-via-crises/

    Liked by 1 person

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