Lonely Author Can’t Get Enough Sex

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Haha.  I figured that would make you peek.

Actually, I considered posting a naked selfie, but I couldn’t find my wide angle lens.

Gone one freaking day. One freaking day.  And WordPress has gone bonkers.

I read some posts today between chapters of my novel. Now, I am trying to respond to your comments back to me.

And I can’t comment on your comments. They’re stifling the Chimp.

Forget about Supreme Court conspiracies…they are monkeying around with me.

So, I changed my blogging habits to tend to my butterflies.

But I don’t want my blogging butterflies to think I am ignoring them.

So, I don’t know when I will be able to respond to you.

Please feel free to think of something witty or downright dirty and attribute it to me. (For those of you who choose to have the dirty thoughts, please feel free to forward them to me at your earliest convenience.  Your nasty thoughts are important to me.  They will be responded to in order of dirtiness and treated as priority.)

Nighty night.

Oh, you see the attached pic.  It proves I can multi-task.

Shit, I bit my tongue.  Forget about the multi-tasking.

 

Supermarket Sin

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Supermarket Sin

We exchanged long glances
in cereal, aisle seventeen
she inspected granola bars
it was Lucky Charms for me
she admired my choice
it made me quite ambitious
In my sexiest voice I whispered
they’re magically delicious

unimpressed she went her way
but this chimp never quits
before I chased after her
I picked up AppleBits
she gave a dirty look in produce
did she consider me a felon
I gazed at her so lovingly
As she squeezed her juicy melons

she began to fondle the dry nuts
it made me a little queasy
she smiled at this blushing chimp
does she think that I’m so easy
she picked up a forbidden fruit
and flashed her bad girl smile
nothing beats supermarket sin
unless it’s love in the produce aisle

Last week after my post “Just Dessert” I got into a conversation with my friend Sandra of what Sandra thinks. The following day she posted a short story entitled “dessert first” which was written in a supermarket.  Our crazy conversation led to me offering to write a poem about love in a supermarket.  Here is the link to Sandra’s piece.

dessert first.

Photo borrowed from Google Images.

To The Boobs At WordPress

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Or you can join WordPress and you will feel their presence everyday.

Don’t get me wrong. Lonely Author appreciates boobs just as much as the other guy. But come on.

The Boobs at WordPress never cease to amaze me. Now, I no longer receive email notifications of new posts from the people I follow.

REALLY???

They may not think it matters, but it does to me. The Reader is inconsistent.

I just ran through the Reader and I saw no posts from Blogs I follow most faithfully. Nothing from Dajena, Tosha, Leslie, Meg, Geetha, Soeline, Carisa, Annie, Christina, Thomas, Lisa, Jacqueline, Jennifer, Lamarr, Marissa, Spiritkeepers, Bushka, Dr Colton, Siren Song, Souldiergirl, Miss Amelia, Mary, Suza, Monica, Sheila, Arohii, Chape, Paul, Bun, Jen. Getting Over Anxiety, Laurel, & so many others.

Should I assume they haven’t posted anything??

I follow everyone who follows me. So, imagine trying to keep up with 1000+ using only the reader.

If I receive email notifications, I can hold on to them until I have a chance to catch up with my reading. So I don’t miss a thing.

But WordPress Boobs continue to fix what is not broken.

Hey, I currently have about 7 Blogger friends you CAN’T comment on my posts. And So far, there is one Blog that I follow devotedly and my comments never appear on hers.

FIX THAT BOOBS

I tried to contact these Keystone Cops about these communication problems, but no reply.

Alas, this Chimp will find a new way to keep up with his closest friends.

I could only dream that the boobs at WordPress get an enhancement, perhaps some Big Boobs will make things better. If not, at least, they will be a pleasure to look at.

Toodles

Lonely Author: More Top Ten Marriage Courses For Men (If You Want A Happy Marriage)

Staying with the love theme, Lonely Author wants to share a little of his Cupidities.

Due to the overwhelming enrollment for the Fall Marriage classes, there have been some new courses added to the Spring semester. Ladies here is your chance to mold your future or current groom to your liking.

In case you missed it, here is the link to the original courses:

https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/2015/10/30/top-twelve-courses-for-married-men-if-you-want-a-happy-marriage/

More Top Ten Spring Courses For Men
If you Want A Happy Marriage

 

Garbage
It Doesn’t Throw Itself Out
Slideshow and discussion

Monogamy
Yes, it can be done.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions, Full Lobotomies, & Male Chastity Belts offered.

The Stove/Oven
What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration

Toe Nail Clippings
Where they go and where they don’t
Open Forum

Overcoming Your Fears
Baby’s Diaper: They Don’t Change Themselves
Step by Step Slide Presentation

Futurama
The modern technology behind the Washer & Dryer
Live Demonstrations

Your Other Mother
After your wife, your next mother. Mother-In-Laws are people too
Role Play

Sweat socks
No, it’s not male lingerie
Open discussion

Health Watch                                                        Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes

Miracles Do Happen
True Confessions of Maturity
Hotlines and Support Groups

 

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

monkey-bride

 

Lonely Author Tells All in his new tell all book entitled “Tell All.”

Yes, staying with the “Love theme” Lonely Author has decided to pen a “Tell-All.”  Never a smoocher & teller, the time has come to spill the beans in hopes of earning some bread.

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As you can see, Mother Lonely Author wanted a girl. I am not proud of this.

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Even through my early years, she insisted I get in touch with my feminine side. I am not proud of this either.

maxresdefault (2)Yes, Lonely Author worked his way through college as a pole swinger.  My stage name was Lonely Stripper.  I am not proud of this either.

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Okay, let’s get down to the down and dirty stuff. Yeah, Paris Hilton. What can I say. We were regular lip lockers. She wasn’t bad. In the end I had to break her heart. Her kisses were too rich for my tastes.

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Yes Beyonce. Terrible shame we couldn’t work things out. She went totally bananas. So, I had to cut off the monkey business.

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Lady Gaga and Lonely Author had a Bad Romance. Where do you think she got the idea for the song?

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Kim K., family, and friends wanted to have some kinky fun with Lonely Author.  Obviously, I had to turn them down. Strange thing is they swore I was a swinger.

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This one breaks my heart. Me & Katy Perry, uh-huh. Lonely Author actually discovered the talented brunette. A little know fact is she penned her first song after one of our classic smoochfests. The song was originally entitled, “I Kissed A Chimp and I Liked It.” Sadly, we broke up because of creative differences. I think she’s never recovered.

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Here is Lonely Author raking in the dough when his Tell-All hits the book stores.

(Please note: No animals were harmed making this post).

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

Lonely Author’s Secret Admirer Goes Bananas

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Yes, people I have to let the truth be known; because I want the world to know. I can no longer contain this secrecy.  Lonely Author has a secret admirer.

Yes, someone has fallen for this charming Chimp and I have incriminating evidence.

Today, I have over 165 views. All from ONE dedicated follower. Yes ONE follower. In my brief blogging history, I have only made 82 posts, but my secret admirer has read each and every one of them twice today. And she has liked my 82 posts 87 times.

Is that dedicaton or what?

To my devoted ONE follower I say…I am flattered, honored, and well… surprised that anyone would go that apeshit over me.

Arrivederci, my love.

 

 

 

A Modern Day Response to the 12 Days of Christmas

A Modern Day Response to the 12 Days of Christmas

Day 1

Dear True Love,

Thank you for the sweet gift of a partridge in a pear tree. It was romantic and thoughtful. Can’t wait to see you again.

Signed Your Sweetheart

Day 4

Dear True Love,

I am overwhelmed by your boundless generosity. You have given me more than I deserve. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but please stop. Perhaps, you misunderstood me when you visited. Yes, I love angry birds, but this isn’t what I meant. I don’t have enough room in my humble home for all of these birds.

Signed Your Grateful Sweetheart

Day 12

Dear Moron,

ENOUGH ALREADY! Stop sending me your stupid gifts. I contacted you after the first fours days of Christmas asking you to stop. After all, what was I going to do with all the noisy birds. Then, to make amends, you were thoughtful enough to send me 5 golden rings.

However, on day 6 you started with the freaking birds again.

Now, my house is a total wreck and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

First, I haven’t slept in days.  Then, on the 11th day of Christmas you sent me the eleven Pipers piping. Those annoying idiots haven’t stopped piping. You make things worse sending 12 Drummers drumming. How is a woman supposed to sleep with all this noise?

With all this music going on the 10 Lords a leaping are hopping all over the place crushing the 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, and 2 turle doves. There is blood, feathers, and bird dropping everywhere.

Then, the Lords a leaping got together with 9 ladies dancings and trust me, the 6 geese aren’t the only ones who are laying.

The 8 Maids a milking splattered milk everywhere. Well, the 9 Ladies dancing slipping. Two crashed into the pear tree knocking off the poor partridge.  Three others fell on the 7 Swans a swimming. And one broke her hip.

My life and house are a disaster. There are 7 law suits currently filed against me. The condo’s Homeowner Association has asked me to vacate the premises immediately.

This is the last correspondence you will be receiving from me. You will be hearing from the police since I requested an order of protection.  And the next letter you receive will be from my attorneys Noel, Noel, & Fitch.

Drop dead.

Signed One Angry Lady

 

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling

Keep writing.

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