Lonely Author: My First Pedicure

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“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.

Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.

Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.

To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.

A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.

I could get used to this.

I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”

The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.

Forget the conversation.

This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.

The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….

Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.

The entire salon turned to look at me.

“I’m ticklish.”

Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.

Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.

At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.

Women are built to stand excruciating torture.

No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.

Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream.  It actually made me a little drowsy.

Two quick taps on my foot.

Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.

Two more taps.

A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”

How humiliating.

She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.

An hour later, I entered my apartment.

Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.

No one noticed my lovely pedals.

I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.

Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.

I THINK NOT.

 

 

Living With Lonely Author

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Imagine Lonely Author is single, you and I are starting a relationship…..yeah I want to brush your hair, paint your toe nails, meet your friends, watch TV and movies with you, massage your feet, take you shoe shopping, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…

No, it’s not all bananas and roses…

To be fair and balanced, here is a list of the complaints from old girlfriends, wives, and Allie.

1- Chimp loves to spoon. Not a problem? Well, I have a bad sinus problem so I SNORE. To give you an idea, while on a long distance flight to visit a girlfriend a stewardess woke me up because “my snoring scared the other passengers.”
2- Flirting. Last year prior to my surgery, with Allie standing by my side, I invited a nurse to go bowling with us after surgery. (If you’re the jealous type you have to let me know, so I can tone it down).
3- This may bother some ladies; I need a tissue to watch some movies. Seriously, did Leo have to the die in the freezing water?? Couldn’t Kate scoot over just a bit?  Bitch.
4- Disorganized work space.
5- I help with ALL chores, including laundry, but I hate folding. Don’t ask me to fold. Also if I pull a t-shirt from the bottom of the drawer where you left everything neatly folded, good chance it won’t be as neat as you left it.
6- I talk to myself to rehearse dialogue. Done it in the street, on the train, etc.  I’ve received many smacks from butterflies (including my daughter) for doing so.
7- This drives me absolutely insane. Serious conversations & dinner dates are cell phone-less. I need eye contact. You can blog, text, DM, Facebook, or twitter your booty off, but I refuse to talk to the back of your phone.
8- Overprotective (not in that clingy creepy way). You have all the freedom in the world to go out as often as you want with whomever you want. Chimp is secure enough to not fret about that. But he will worry about your safety.
9- I worry. Years ago, I lost my parents (my only family). I don’t want to lose anyone else.
10- At bedtime, before my head touches the pillow, I’m asleep. So any question you ask will be answered with a LOUD – See number 1.
11- I need time for blogging & writing.
12- I remove your shoes. Please respect this.
12- Terrible at saving.
14- Will jump at anyone who says anything bad about you. Back when I had a Facebook page, a cousin once said something hurtful to Allie about how an outfit fit her. I responded with several nasty comments that ripped her cousin to shreds. I have no mercy with bullies or anyone who attacks someone’s insecurities.
15- When we go out I need to see you wear lipstick or gloss whatever you prefer. (Make up is up to you).

 

 

Lonely Author Can’t Get Enough Sex

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Haha.  I figured that would make you peek.

Actually, I considered posting a naked selfie, but I couldn’t find my wide angle lens.

Gone one freaking day. One freaking day.  And WordPress has gone bonkers.

I read some posts today between chapters of my novel. Now, I am trying to respond to your comments back to me.

And I can’t comment on your comments. They’re stifling the Chimp.

Forget about Supreme Court conspiracies…they are monkeying around with me.

So, I changed my blogging habits to tend to my butterflies.

But I don’t want my blogging butterflies to think I am ignoring them.

So, I don’t know when I will be able to respond to you.

Please feel free to think of something witty or downright dirty and attribute it to me. (For those of you who choose to have the dirty thoughts, please feel free to forward them to me at your earliest convenience.  Your nasty thoughts are important to me.  They will be responded to in order of dirtiness and treated as priority.)

Nighty night.

Oh, you see the attached pic.  It proves I can multi-task.

Shit, I bit my tongue.  Forget about the multi-tasking.

 

Supermarket Sin

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Supermarket Sin

We exchanged long glances
in cereal, aisle seventeen
she inspected granola bars
it was Lucky Charms for me
she admired my choice
it made me quite ambitious
In my sexiest voice I whispered
they’re magically delicious

unimpressed she went her way
but this chimp never quits
before I chased after her
I picked up AppleBits
she gave a dirty look in produce
did she consider me a felon
I gazed at her so lovingly
As she squeezed her juicy melons

she began to fondle the dry nuts
it made me a little queasy
she smiled at this blushing chimp
does she think that I’m so easy
she picked up a forbidden fruit
and flashed her bad girl smile
nothing beats supermarket sin
unless it’s love in the produce aisle

Last week after my post “Just Dessert” I got into a conversation with my friend Sandra of what Sandra thinks. The following day she posted a short story entitled “dessert first” which was written in a supermarket.  Our crazy conversation led to me offering to write a poem about love in a supermarket.  Here is the link to Sandra’s piece.

dessert first.

Photo borrowed from Google Images.

To The Boobs At WordPress

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Or you can join WordPress and you will feel their presence everyday.

Don’t get me wrong. Lonely Author appreciates boobs just as much as the other guy. But come on.

The Boobs at WordPress never cease to amaze me. Now, I no longer receive email notifications of new posts from the people I follow.

REALLY???

They may not think it matters, but it does to me. The Reader is inconsistent.

I just ran through the Reader and I saw no posts from Blogs I follow most faithfully. Nothing from Dajena, Tosha, Leslie, Meg, Geetha, Soeline, Carisa, Annie, Christina, Thomas, Lisa, Jacqueline, Jennifer, Lamarr, Marissa, Spiritkeepers, Bushka, Dr Colton, Siren Song, Souldiergirl, Miss Amelia, Mary, Suza, Monica, Sheila, Arohii, Chape, Paul, Bun, Jen. Getting Over Anxiety, Laurel, & so many others.

Should I assume they haven’t posted anything??

I follow everyone who follows me. So, imagine trying to keep up with 1000+ using only the reader.

If I receive email notifications, I can hold on to them until I have a chance to catch up with my reading. So I don’t miss a thing.

But WordPress Boobs continue to fix what is not broken.

Hey, I currently have about 7 Blogger friends you CAN’T comment on my posts. And So far, there is one Blog that I follow devotedly and my comments never appear on hers.

FIX THAT BOOBS

I tried to contact these Keystone Cops about these communication problems, but no reply.

Alas, this Chimp will find a new way to keep up with his closest friends.

I could only dream that the boobs at WordPress get an enhancement, perhaps some Big Boobs will make things better. If not, at least, they will be a pleasure to look at.

Toodles

Lonely Author: More Top Ten Marriage Courses For Men (If You Want A Happy Marriage)

Staying with the love theme, Lonely Author wants to share a little of his Cupidities.

Due to the overwhelming enrollment for the Fall Marriage classes, there have been some new courses added to the Spring semester. Ladies here is your chance to mold your future or current groom to your liking.

In case you missed it, here is the link to the original courses:

https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/2015/10/30/top-twelve-courses-for-married-men-if-you-want-a-happy-marriage/

More Top Ten Spring Courses For Men
If you Want A Happy Marriage

 

Garbage
It Doesn’t Throw Itself Out
Slideshow and discussion

Monogamy
Yes, it can be done.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions, Full Lobotomies, & Male Chastity Belts offered.

The Stove/Oven
What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration

Toe Nail Clippings
Where they go and where they don’t
Open Forum

Overcoming Your Fears
Baby’s Diaper: They Don’t Change Themselves
Step by Step Slide Presentation

Futurama
The modern technology behind the Washer & Dryer
Live Demonstrations

Your Other Mother
After your wife, your next mother. Mother-In-Laws are people too
Role Play

Sweat socks
No, it’s not male lingerie
Open discussion

Health Watch                                                        Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes

Miracles Do Happen
True Confessions of Maturity
Hotlines and Support Groups

 

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

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Lonely Author Tells All in his new tell all book entitled “Tell All.”

Yes, staying with the “Love theme” Lonely Author has decided to pen a “Tell-All.”  Never a smoocher & teller, the time has come to spill the beans in hopes of earning some bread.

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As you can see, Mother Lonely Author wanted a girl. I am not proud of this.

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Even through my early years, she insisted I get in touch with my feminine side. I am not proud of this either.

maxresdefault (2)Yes, Lonely Author worked his way through college as a pole swinger.  My stage name was Lonely Stripper.  I am not proud of this either.

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Okay, let’s get down to the down and dirty stuff. Yeah, Paris Hilton. What can I say. We were regular lip lockers. She wasn’t bad. In the end I had to break her heart. Her kisses were too rich for my tastes.

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Yes Beyonce. Terrible shame we couldn’t work things out. She went totally bananas. So, I had to cut off the monkey business.

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Lady Gaga and Lonely Author had a Bad Romance. Where do you think she got the idea for the song?

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Kim K., family, and friends wanted to have some kinky fun with Lonely Author.  Obviously, I had to turn them down. Strange thing is they swore I was a swinger.

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This one breaks my heart. Me & Katy Perry, uh-huh. Lonely Author actually discovered the talented brunette. A little know fact is she penned her first song after one of our classic smoochfests. The song was originally entitled, “I Kissed A Chimp and I Liked It.” Sadly, we broke up because of creative differences. I think she’s never recovered.

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Here is Lonely Author raking in the dough when his Tell-All hits the book stores.

(Please note: No animals were harmed making this post).

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.