The Lonely Author: Up, Close, and Personal

The Lonely Author: Up, Close, and Personal

Introduction: The Beach Boy
What do you say about a man who is supposedly lonely and seriously lovely, but whom no one has ever seen or heard?

the lonely author

That he doesn’t exist beyond your imagination? Oh but he does! And I will tell you all about him today.

So, ladies and ladies (since he is such a ladies man), it is my absolute pleasure to introduce you to the real person behind the mysterious beach boy picture AKA The Lonely Author, as seen and heard exclusively day after day, every day, through my naked eyes and ears and experienced first hand by my loving heart and spongy mind.

Chapter 1: The Lonely Author Uncensored
Eyes: So let’s start with his EYE, shall we? He has dark eyes – very expressive and mischievous. If there is anyone I would describe as having laughing eyes, it would be him. He cannot see well with one eye (maybe too much of winking at women in the past caused the damage, who knows?) but that does nothing to take away his 20/20 vision of love and affection. Anyone who wishes to know more about how his eyes blink, his pupils dilate etc. may please read “My Brown-eyed Love”. Shit, sorry I got carried away. I swear I am not trying to promote my blog here. To hell with my blog. This is about him. Focus, Girl (chiding myself)!

Physique: He is tall, well-built, perfect to go with his macho image as the universal protector of all possible damsels in distress. Who hasn’t heard of his legendary “Soar, Baby, Soar” (rhetorical question, this!). I never really was a damsel in distress, just so you know. I was the damsel under duress when he and I first met three years ago. Now I am the brunette in killer heels but that’s a different story. Suffice to say, he has changed his stance to “Click, Baby, Click”

Ears: Nibbleable (urban dictionary yeah!). Need I say more? What? I pay attention to details. I’m not going into his nose, eyebrows, tongue and forehead, so chill! Oh wait, I remembered – I’ve extensively talked about his tongue in one of my poems, maybe two. Very metaphorically of course. I’m a poet, give me some credit.

Mouth, Lips, Teeth: His lips? Shapely, full and rose-tinted. He has never smoked in his life. Na-ah. His teeth are quite perfect and very white. He brushes twice a day, such a good boy! He was approached by Colgate once to model for their diamond shine range but he turned down the offer because he was offended at the preposterous suggestion of smiling for money. Confused Colgate then asked him if he’d model for them for free, to which he got livid and made it clear that his smile was not cheap. The discussions ended up becoming a toothache for Colgate. Meanwhile, he changed his toothpaste brand to Pepsodent. He has a terrible sweet tooth though and I even know which particular tooth that is. Again, details, you guys! Ok I was bullshitting here but you got my point, yeah? But he does have nice sparkly teeth and a very warm smile. No kidding. He keeps Oreos in a mason jar and loves to chomp on those when we are video-talking. Watching him eat always makes me hungry. And that is what maketh our nights of Poetry, Pepsi and Popcorn.

Hair (on his head, I clarify): no parting, swept back, salt and pepper. Drool! He uses Loreal. Because he’s worth it! He usually keeps himself clean shaven (facial hair, what did you think?) unless of course he deliberately wants to sport the shabby rugged look, just to appear sexier than he already is (very Robert Downing Jr.-ish, you know).

Hands: soft like a baby’s. He prides himself on his hands. Don’t tell him I told you that. The day I feel his hands (and I will), there will be a sequel to this post, I promise. Well manicured nails.

Legs: strong, muscular, (he ran track in school and college) and hairy of course. What do you expect, he’s a man! And a Cuban at that.

Chest: slightly hairy and large. It houses a big heart after all……
Don’t expect me to describe his nipples. Jeez!

I better stop right here before I get carried away and start talking about other parts of his gorgeous body. So umm, let’s talk about his other umm stuff. His voice for one.

Chapter 2: The Lonely Author: Deciphered and Decoded
Voice: I have written poems about the way he talks. God, he can talk, this man! From a minimum of 1 hour everyday to 4000 clocks, depending on what day of the week it is, we talk about anything and everything. I basically enjoy watching his lips move and eyes shine as he tells me stories, events, anecdotes, dreams, hopes, beliefs, his grocery list and so on. He was not joking when he wrote in one of his poems that he is the man who never lets me sleep. Thank God for Fridays! But the record of our longest call is 11.5 hours which has culminated in this prose piece that you are reading. Anyway, enough of how much he dotes on me. Let’s talk about the technical aspects of his voice. He’s got a deep raspy voice which surprisingly reaches crazy alto summits when he is conversing with me. The joy and excitement gets the better of his baritone, I daresay. Oh and he uses a lot of umms and aahs and uh-uhs in his diction. And he does say ‘Nai-ce’ a lot. Also, “you know what”. The way he says somme-in is to die for. He always opens his conversations with me by saying “Hello Beautiful” and his sentences often begin with “Can I ask you a question”? Unless of course, the other person is someone other than me because he usually is the one with all the answers. But my personal favorite line/moment is when he whispers “I do. I do”. So I tend to ask him a lot of questions that are bound to be answered in “I Dos”. He laughs a LOT. Especially when I mimic him. Speaking of laughter, he is the only person I know who has this wonderful insane ability to laugh at himself. I make so much fun of him it is not funny and he revels in it which is just so adorable.

Mind: The most-underrated aspect of him. And to not talk about his brilliant mind would be an insult to his intelligence. He is a highly intelligent man, not just the regular smart kind. His mind is a treasure island of philosophies, knowledge, information, intellect, humour and wit. He has been a teacher, a banker, a human resources manager, and, believe it or not, a child actor/model and has worked with Hollywood biggies such as Pacino, DeNiro, Redford etc.
He is awesome in science and math, the two things that scare the living daylights out of me. The kindness in him doesn’t let him, but take my word for it, he speaks sarcasm better than he speaks Spanish which is his first language. We laugh a lot about it. He likes to keep himself abreast of all news and is on top of current affairs. He has a keen interest in history, although his major was Economics and is extremely good at finances. He dislikes discussing politics and avoids it like the plague. He is so good with dates it would impress you. He even reminds me about my dates/appointments etc. He also has this amazing presence of mind where he will talk to me like a scatterbrain jumping between topics but if I ask him some particular thing he told me five minutes back, he will be spot on. It baffles me, I tell you. A very meticulous and organized person except when it comes to his dresser (which looks like it’s been hit by a hurricane), he likes to plan ahead. That explains why he loves to play chess. The only mind game that interests him. His favorite quote: life is a game of chess, not checkers.

Charm: Do I need to even talk about it? Ladies, give me a cheer here please. He can keep 4 different people engaged in 8 different conversations at the same time and still make those people feel like they are the only ones he is talking to. If that is not serious talent, I don’t know what is. And wait, I’m not saying he bullshits you. He is just so naturally good at making people feel nice and importantly, he does it sincerely. The gift of the multitasking gab, you could say. Not everyone’s blessed with it, us lesser mortals have to live without it. Sigh!

Heart: with all the reputation of being the most incorrigible flirt the blogging world has ever seen, Andrew is in essence his mother’s son through and through with a heart that can only be second to Mother Teresa’s. He will paint rainbows in your heart with the rain in his eyes and won’t even let you know. Because believe it or not, he lives in constant perpetual pain. Literal. And he never lets it be known. He is extremely emotional and lets down his guards with me when he feels vulnerable. Yes, I have seen him cry, more than once. Not going with the macho image, no? I think he is man enough to break down and tell me when things gets too much and he wants to share his troubles with me.

Oh and the flirting has stopped, have you noticed? It’s been a while. He just doesn’t feel the need and the desire to flirt around anymore, he tells me. I believe him.

Chapter 3: Tangled Facts about The Lonely Author
• He is NOT a Casanova but he has better shades of Christian Gray than Gray himself
• He serenades me when I give him the cold shoulder (he does, he does)
• He hates having himself clicked but he makes sure to send me selfies for my breakfast
• He loathes talking on the phone but he detests it even more when it’s time for us to hang up
• He is a smooth talker but if you know how to say the right things, he will stutter more beautifully than Shakespeare in love

Epilogue: The Man who Loves
All said and done, I have been fortunate enough to get to know Andrew the way I do. And to be loved by him the way he does. Everyday has been a remarkable discovery about this man who is only assumed about. And it will not be a hyperbole if I say no one knows him the way I do – his deepest darkest secrets, his weirdest fantasies, his fears, his real life, his blogging world, just about everything. I hope you will all believe me when I say this post did not come about out of some arrogance or superficial reason, rather, it came about out of love for the man who knows how to love in all senses of the word, the man who has turned the Lady Pathos in me to Lady Bliss. It took us three years to be where we are. It will take us longer to be where we wish to be. Or maybe never. And it takes a lot to write about this when the world has not been kind to us. But you know what (in Andrew’s style), love doesn’t always need a name.

This was just a glimpse I have given you of the mystery man who goes by the name The Lonely Author. But I will not talk more than what I did because honestly, there are things he and I will never share with others. Some things are sacrosanct.

If there are any questions/comments about The Lonely Author or even about Andrew, I would be happy to answer for both of them. If not, I’ll still smile that I wrote this. He deserves it. Like I said, he is worth it. Thanks to the L’Oréal Shampoo that he uses which not only keeps his mane lustrous but fragrant as well. And that fragrance and shine percolates right down to your blogs when he stops by.

Thank you for your patience.

Living La Vida Loca

Signing off with love, until next time
Nandita aka A Tangle of Weeds.

In A Flash

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In A Flash

Flash was born premature.
Now, he suffers a sad plight
he hoped would never last.

No matter how much he fights
to control himself, he always
finishes everything too fast.

He went to the movies on a date.
When an actress screamed fire
he steamed out like a percolator.

Now he is the loneliest guy in town.
Cause all the single girls realize
Flash is a premature evacuator.

Happy week.

Keep smiling.  Keep writing.

Do you Have A Super Power?

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Since he will be WordPressing less often, Lonely Author decided to have some fun and return to his blogging roots (yes that means occasionally talking in third person). Part of his roots was to ask a weekly question.

During that difficult period of his life detailed in When My Wife Became My Hero, Lonely Author often posted the Pinky Batman image in his old Facebook page or flashed it to Mrs. Lonely Author to signify it was time to toughen up.

So, while Allie was pulling miracles, Lonely Author still recovering from his accident became the cheerleading Pinky Batman.

All us have been heroes at one point or another.

On several occasions Allie has had premonitions of future events. Allie also has a super powerful nose that can pick up all sorts of scents (including bad poetry). Thus the Chimp plays it safe by bathing twice a day, uses good cologne, and brushes his teeth after every meal (and some day he expects he will be required to do it during meals).

Lonely Author has the super power of charming birds out of trees.  But they usually poop on him, so not sure if that really counts.

Do you have a super power?

Which super hero are you?

The Spy Who Loves You

steaknshake

The Spy Who Loves You

I sauntered into the royal casino so grand
me a tuxedo chimp so suave and debonair
prepared for a night of dangerous espionage
cause scoundrels were lurking everywhere

I studied the environment to make my move
my instincts led me to the only seat untaken
burly Bartender asked “what’s your poison?”
I smiled, “Chocolate milk stirred not shaken”

a sexy lady crossed long legs that led to paradise
“My name is Sugar Ann Spice and I’m feeling blue”
I flashed a smart smile, “Author, Lonely Author
tonight, lucky lady I’ll be the spy who loves you”

With a wink I suggested a game of naked Twister
would she be interested in taking an odd chance
she admired a roll of silver dollars in my pocket
and dared to ask if that was a gun in my pants

Oh what a painful double cross for Chimpy me
how could this super spy Chimp possibly know?
he imagined wild passions with Sugar Ann Spice
instead this sexy siren turned out to be Dr. No

 

Warning  to my friends: There are many things I share with my wife Allie.  This Friday April 8th we celebrate our birthdays.  This week the Chimp will be borderline giddy. You can expect to find silly comments on your blogs throughout the week.

Photo from Google Images

 

Lonely Author: My First Pedicure

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“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.

Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.

Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.

To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.

A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.

I could get used to this.

I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”

The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.

Forget the conversation.

This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.

The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….

Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.

The entire salon turned to look at me.

“I’m ticklish.”

Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.

Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.

At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.

Women are built to stand excruciating torture.

No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.

Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream.  It actually made me a little drowsy.

Two quick taps on my foot.

Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.

Two more taps.

A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”

How humiliating.

She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.

An hour later, I entered my apartment.

Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.

No one noticed my lovely pedals.

I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.

Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.

I THINK NOT.

 

 

Living With Lonely Author

monkey-bride

Imagine Lonely Author is single, you and I are starting a relationship…..yeah I want to brush your hair, paint your toe nails, meet your friends, watch TV and movies with you, massage your feet, take you shoe shopping, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…

No, it’s not all bananas and roses…

To be fair and balanced, here is a list of the complaints from old girlfriends, wives, and Allie.

1- Chimp loves to spoon. Not a problem? Well, I have a bad sinus problem so I SNORE. To give you an idea, while on a long distance flight to visit a girlfriend a stewardess woke me up because “my snoring scared the other passengers.”
2- Flirting. Last year prior to my surgery, with Allie standing by my side, I invited a nurse to go bowling with us after surgery. (If you’re the jealous type you have to let me know, so I can tone it down).
3- This may bother some ladies; I need a tissue to watch some movies. Seriously, did Leo have to the die in the freezing water?? Couldn’t Kate scoot over just a bit?  Bitch.
4- Disorganized work space.
5- I help with ALL chores, including laundry, but I hate folding. Don’t ask me to fold. Also if I pull a t-shirt from the bottom of the drawer where you left everything neatly folded, good chance it won’t be as neat as you left it.
6- I talk to myself to rehearse dialogue. Done it in the street, on the train, etc.  I’ve received many smacks from butterflies (including my daughter) for doing so.
7- This drives me absolutely insane. Serious conversations & dinner dates are cell phone-less. I need eye contact. You can blog, text, DM, Facebook, or twitter your booty off, but I refuse to talk to the back of your phone.
8- Overprotective (not in that clingy creepy way). You have all the freedom in the world to go out as often as you want with whomever you want. Chimp is secure enough to not fret about that. But he will worry about your safety.
9- I worry. Years ago, I lost my parents (my only family). I don’t want to lose anyone else.
10- At bedtime, before my head touches the pillow, I’m asleep. So any question you ask will be answered with a LOUD – See number 1.
11- I need time for blogging & writing.
12- I remove your shoes. Please respect this.
12- Terrible at saving.
14- Will jump at anyone who says anything bad about you. Back when I had a Facebook page, a cousin once said something hurtful to Allie about how an outfit fit her. I responded with several nasty comments that ripped her cousin to shreds. I have no mercy with bullies or anyone who attacks someone’s insecurities.
15- When we go out I need to see you wear lipstick or gloss whatever you prefer. (Make up is up to you).

 

 

Lonely Author Can’t Get Enough Sex

SimonPeanuts2

Haha.  I figured that would make you peek.

Actually, I considered posting a naked selfie, but I couldn’t find my wide angle lens.

Gone one freaking day. One freaking day.  And WordPress has gone bonkers.

I read some posts today between chapters of my novel. Now, I am trying to respond to your comments back to me.

And I can’t comment on your comments. They’re stifling the Chimp.

Forget about Supreme Court conspiracies…they are monkeying around with me.

So, I changed my blogging habits to tend to my butterflies.

But I don’t want my blogging butterflies to think I am ignoring them.

So, I don’t know when I will be able to respond to you.

Please feel free to think of something witty or downright dirty and attribute it to me. (For those of you who choose to have the dirty thoughts, please feel free to forward them to me at your earliest convenience.  Your nasty thoughts are important to me.  They will be responded to in order of dirtiness and treated as priority.)

Nighty night.

Oh, you see the attached pic.  It proves I can multi-task.

Shit, I bit my tongue.  Forget about the multi-tasking.