Lonely Author Sees No Evil

chimpanzee-hand-over-eyes-see-no-evil

The Chimp is not seeing much of anything else either (unfortunately, that includes Allie’s new lingerie.  Ugh).  For that reason I have been slow answering my posts and keeping up with my blog reading.

I had an accident on Sunday night that aggravated my blurred vision. It appears there will be another surgery on my right eye in the horizon.

During the next few weeks my reading will be limited.  My wife and doctors know I would get separation anxiety if I didn’t read your posts.

Thank you for your patience.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

Be well.

 

 

 

 

 

The Spy Who Loves You

steaknshake

The Spy Who Loves You

I sauntered into the royal casino so grand
me a tuxedo chimp so suave and debonair
prepared for a night of dangerous espionage
cause scoundrels were lurking everywhere

I studied the environment to make my move
my instincts led me to the only seat untaken
burly Bartender asked “what’s your poison?”
I smiled, “Chocolate milk stirred not shaken”

a sexy lady crossed long legs that led to paradise
“My name is Sugar Ann Spice and I’m feeling blue”
I flashed a smart smile, “Author, Lonely Author
tonight, lucky lady I’ll be the spy who loves you”

With a wink I suggested a game of naked Twister
would she be interested in taking an odd chance
she admired a roll of silver dollars in my pocket
and dared to ask if that was a gun in my pants

Oh what a painful double cross for Chimpy me
how could this super spy Chimp possibly know?
he imagined wild passions with Sugar Ann Spice
instead this sexy siren turned out to be Dr. No

 

Warning  to my friends: There are many things I share with my wife Allie.  This Friday April 8th we celebrate our birthdays.  This week the Chimp will be borderline giddy. You can expect to find silly comments on your blogs throughout the week.

Photo from Google Images

 

Lonely Author: My First Pedicure

9bc635ca986778a7a86943005df78497

“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.

Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.

Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.

To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.

A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.

I could get used to this.

I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”

The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.

Forget the conversation.

This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.

The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….

Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.

The entire salon turned to look at me.

“I’m ticklish.”

Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.

Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.

At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.

Women are built to stand excruciating torture.

No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.

Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream.  It actually made me a little drowsy.

Two quick taps on my foot.

Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.

Two more taps.

A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”

How humiliating.

She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.

An hour later, I entered my apartment.

Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.

No one noticed my lovely pedals.

I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.

Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.

I THINK NOT.

 

 

Lonely Author Guide To Communicating With Women

Men, have you ever stared at the phone trying to decipher the last thing your better half just uttered? Have you ever scratched your head knowing she said something between the lines?  Have you ever taken selfies wearing fine lingerie, nail polish, and perfume?  Ooops, that’s a post for another day.

Christmas isn’t here yet, but here is an early gift for men, a guide to communicating with women because you already realize that yes means no, no means no, no means yes, or sometimes maybe….ah, shucks, you get the idea.

  1. Fine – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  2. Five Minutes – If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour       (possibly more). Five minutes is only three minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  3. Nothing – This is the key word. This is the calm before the storm. Don’t let yourself be fooled. Nothing never means nothing. Nothing means something. It could mean anything. Or possibly everything. But nothing is never nothing. Glad we cleared that up.  Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.” (See number 1).
  4. Go Ahead – Oh, oh oh. This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It! Abandon ship. Abandon ship.
  5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing if necessary).
  6. That’s Okay – This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  7. Thanks – A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome and be grateful.
  8. Whatever – Is a women’s way of saying go to hell!  If she were mad enough she would send your herself, but she knows you would get lost and fail to ask for directions anyway.
  9. Don’t worry about it or I got it – Another dangerous statement. She has asked you to do something several times, but is  now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman will respond nothing. (Please refer to number 3).
  10. I am tired. Let’s go to sleep – Gentlemen, if she says this during an argument, this is code for two words; Lorena Bobbitt. Don’t do it. She is in full Freddie Kruger mode. Drink coffee. Pinch yourself. Or learn to sleep with one eye open.Have a wonderful week.

    Keep smiling.

    Keep Writing.

ChimpPhoneWeb