Tag: chimp

Men, have you ever stared at the phone trying to decipher the last thing your better half just uttered? Have you ever scratched your head knowing she said something between the lines?  Have you ever taken selfies wearing fine lingerie, nail polish, and perfume?  Ooops, that’s a post for another day.

Christmas isn’t here yet, but here is an early gift for men, a guide to communicating with women because you already realize that yes means no, no means no, no means yes, or sometimes maybe….ah, shucks, you get the idea.

1. Fine – This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes – If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour       (possibly more). Five minutes is only three minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing – This is the key word. This is the calm before the storm. Don’t let yourself be fooled. Nothing never means nothing. Nothing means something. It could mean anything. Or possibly everything. But nothing is never nothing. Glad we cleared that up.  Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.” (See number 1).
4. Go Ahead – Oh, oh oh. This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It! Abandon ship. Abandon ship.
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing if necessary).
6. That’s Okay – This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks – A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome and be grateful.
8. Whatever – Is a women’s way of saying go to hell!  If she were mad enough she would send your herself, but she knows you would get lost and fail to ask for directions anyway.
9. Don’t worry about it or I got it – Another dangerous statement. She has asked you to do something several times, but is  now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman will respond nothing. (Please refer to number 3).
10. I am tired. Let’s go to sleep – Gentlemen, if she says this during an argument, this is code for two words; Lorena Bobbitt. Don’t do it. She is in full Freddie Kruger mode. Drink coffee. Pinch yourself. Or learn to sleep with one eye open.Have a wonderful week.

    Keep smiling.

    Keep Writing.