Flash was born premature.
Now, he suffers a sad plight
he hoped would never last.
No matter how much he fights
to control himself, he always
finishes everything too fast.
He went to the movies on a date.
When an actress screamed fire
he steamed out like a percolator.
Now he is the loneliest guy in town.
Cause all the single girls realize
Flash is a premature evacuator.
Happy week.
Keep smiling. Keep writing.
I sauntered into the royal casino so grand
me a tuxedo chimp so suave and debonair
prepared for a night of dangerous espionage
cause scoundrels were lurking everywhere
I studied the environment to make my move
my instincts led me to the only seat untaken
burly Bartender asked “what’s your poison?”
I smiled, “Chocolate milk stirred not shaken”
a sexy lady crossed long legs that led to paradise
“My name is Sugar Ann Spice and I’m feeling blue”
I flashed a smart smile, “Author, Lonely Author
tonight, lucky lady I’ll be the spy who loves you”
With a wink I suggested a game of naked Twister
would she be interested in taking an odd chance
she admired a roll of silver dollars in my pocket
and dared to ask if that was a gun in my pants
Oh what a painful double cross for Chimpy me
how could this super spy Chimp possibly know?
he imagined wild passions with Sugar Ann Spice
instead this sexy siren turned out to be Dr. No
Warning to my friends: There are many things I share with my wife Allie. This Friday April 8th we celebrate our birthdays. This week the Chimp will be borderline giddy. You can expect to find silly comments on your blogs throughout the week.
Photo from Google Images
“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.
Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.
Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.
To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine. Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.
A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.
I could get used to this.
I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”
The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.
Forget the conversation.
This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.
The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….
Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.
The entire salon turned to look at me.
“I’m ticklish.”
Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.
Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.
At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.
Women are built to stand excruciating torture.
No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.
Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream. It actually made me a little drowsy.
Two quick taps on my foot.
Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.
Two more taps.
A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”
How humiliating.
She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.
An hour later, I entered my apartment.
Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.
No one noticed my lovely pedals.
I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.
Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.
Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.
I THINK NOT.
Imagine Lonely Author is single, you and I are starting a relationship…..yeah I want to brush your hair, paint your toe nails, meet your friends, watch TV and movies with you, massage your feet, take you shoe shopping, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…
No, it’s not all bananas and roses…
To be fair and balanced, here is a list of the complaints from old girlfriends, wives, and Allie.
1- Chimp loves to spoon. Not a problem? Well, I have a bad sinus problem so I SNORE. To give you an idea, while on a long distance flight to visit a girlfriend a stewardess woke me up because “my snoring scared the other passengers.”
2- Flirting. Last year prior to my surgery, with Allie standing by my side, I invited a nurse to go bowling with us after surgery. (If you’re the jealous type you have to let me know, so I can tone it down).
3- This may bother some ladies; I need a tissue to watch some movies. Seriously, did Leo have to the die in the freezing water?? Couldn’t Kate scoot over just a bit? Bitch.
4- Disorganized work space.
5- I help with ALL chores, including laundry, but I hate folding. Don’t ask me to fold. Also if I pull a t-shirt from the bottom of the drawer where you left everything neatly folded, good chance it won’t be as neat as you left it.
6- I talk to myself to rehearse dialogue. Done it in the street, on the train, etc. I’ve received many smacks from butterflies (including my daughter) for doing so.
7- This drives me absolutely insane. Serious conversations & dinner dates are cell phone-less. I need eye contact. You can blog, text, DM, Facebook, or twitter your booty off, but I refuse to talk to the back of your phone.
8- Overprotective (not in that clingy creepy way). You have all the freedom in the world to go out as often as you want with whomever you want. Chimp is secure enough to not fret about that. But he will worry about your safety.
9- I worry. Years ago, I lost my parents (my only family). I don’t want to lose anyone else.
10- At bedtime, before my head touches the pillow, I’m asleep. So any question you ask will be answered with a LOUD – See number 1.
11- I need time for blogging & writing.
12- I remove your shoes. Please respect this.
12- Terrible at saving.
14- Will jump at anyone who says anything bad about you. Back when I had a Facebook page, a cousin once said something hurtful to Allie about how an outfit fit her. I responded with several nasty comments that ripped her cousin to shreds. I have no mercy with bullies or anyone who attacks someone’s insecurities.
15- When we go out I need to see you wear lipstick or gloss whatever you prefer. (Make up is up to you).
Lonely Author wants to thank everyone for putting up with his six week Lovefest. Also, sending special thanks to everyone who encouraged me with my Devil Girl Diaries.
During the past six weeks I have posted twice a day six days a week.
A pace that I can’t continue…..
There are characters banging inside my thick Chimp skull wanting to get out. Not to mention the characters of my completed novels and screenplays wanting their stories to be read/viewed.
There is also the issue of helping the butterflies in my life.
My daughter struggling with college as her mother’s health wanes.
My battered lady friends complaining, “I am always too busy.”
My pouting Allie accusing me of loving my blog more than I love her.
IT IS TOTALLY MY FAULT, for spoiling them.
In a nutshell, I will post less often. Some weeks more than others.
However, I will follow all of you faithfully, leaving my stupid comments, sharing bad jokes, hopefully inspiring, definitely flirting, and leaving an occasional Chimpism.
I must confess, this saddens me, but…..
My butterflies and characters need to be tended to.
From the bottom of my heart and the heart of my bottom, I thank each and every one of you for your support.
If anyone needs to get in touch with me you can do it via my Contact Me page or via twitter @LonelyAuthorNY.
Have a wonderful week.
Keep smiling.
Keep writing.
We exchanged long glances
in cereal, aisle seventeen
she inspected granola bars
it was Lucky Charms for me
she admired my choice
it made me quite ambitious
In my sexiest voice I whispered
they’re magically delicious
unimpressed she went her way
but this chimp never quits
before I chased after her
I picked up AppleBits
she gave a dirty look in produce
did she consider me a felon
I gazed at her so lovingly
As she squeezed her juicy melons
she began to fondle the dry nuts
it made me a little queasy
she smiled at this blushing chimp
does she think that I’m so easy
she picked up a forbidden fruit
and flashed her bad girl smile
nothing beats supermarket sin
unless it’s love in the produce aisle
Last week after my post “Just Dessert” I got into a conversation with my friend Sandra of what Sandra thinks. The following day she posted a short story entitled “dessert first” which was written in a supermarket. Our crazy conversation led to me offering to write a poem about love in a supermarket. Here is the link to Sandra’s piece.
Photo borrowed from Google Images.
Staying with the love theme, Lonely Author wants to share a little of his Cupidities.
Due to the overwhelming enrollment for the Fall Marriage classes, there have been some new courses added to the Spring semester. Ladies here is your chance to mold your future or current groom to your liking.
In case you missed it, here is the link to the original courses:
Garbage
It Doesn’t Throw Itself Out
Slideshow and discussion
Monogamy
Yes, it can be done.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions, Full Lobotomies, & Male Chastity Belts offered.
The Stove/Oven
What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration
Toe Nail Clippings
Where they go and where they don’t
Open Forum
Overcoming Your Fears
Baby’s Diaper: They Don’t Change Themselves
Step by Step Slide Presentation
Futurama
The modern technology behind the Washer & Dryer
Live Demonstrations
Your Other Mother
After your wife, your next mother. Mother-In-Laws are people too
Role Play
Sweat socks
No, it’s not male lingerie
Open discussion
Health Watch Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes
Miracles Do Happen
True Confessions of Maturity
Hotlines and Support Groups
Have a wonderful week.
Keep smiling.
Keep writing.
Yes, staying with the “Love theme” Lonely Author has decided to pen a “Tell-All.” Never a smoocher & teller, the time has come to spill the beans in hopes of earning some bread.
As you can see, Mother Lonely Author wanted a girl. I am not proud of this.
Even through my early years, she insisted I get in touch with my feminine side. I am not proud of this either.
Yes, Lonely Author worked his way through college as a pole swinger. My stage name was Lonely Stripper. I am not proud of this either.
Okay, let’s get down to the down and dirty stuff. Yeah, Paris Hilton. What can I say. We were regular lip lockers. She wasn’t bad. In the end I had to break her heart. Her kisses were too rich for my tastes.
Yes Beyonce. Terrible shame we couldn’t work things out. She went totally bananas. So, I had to cut off the monkey business.
Lady Gaga and Lonely Author had a Bad Romance. Where do you think she got the idea for the song?
Kim K., family, and friends wanted to have some kinky fun with Lonely Author. Obviously, I had to turn them down. Strange thing is they swore I was a swinger.
This one breaks my heart. Me & Katy Perry, uh-huh. Lonely Author actually discovered the talented brunette. A little know fact is she penned her first song after one of our classic smoochfests. The song was originally entitled, “I Kissed A Chimp and I Liked It.” Sadly, we broke up because of creative differences. I think she’s never recovered.
Here is Lonely Author raking in the dough when his Tell-All hits the book stores.
(Please note: No animals were harmed making this post).
Have a wonderful week.
Keep smiling.
Keep writing.
Yes, people I have to let the truth be known; because I want the world to know. I can no longer contain this secrecy. Lonely Author has a secret admirer.
Yes, someone has fallen for this charming Chimp and I have incriminating evidence.
Today, I have over 165 views. All from ONE dedicated follower. Yes ONE follower. In my brief blogging history, I have only made 82 posts, but my secret admirer has read each and every one of them twice today. And she has liked my 82 posts 87 times.
Is that dedicaton or what?
To my devoted ONE follower I say…I am flattered, honored, and well… surprised that anyone would go that apeshit over me.
Arrivederci, my love.
Sorry for the sloppiness in my post. There was quite a bit of static on my cell phone when my friend suggested the perfect post to start 2016 with a bang; presidential erections.
Start the Pomp and Circumstance
Yes, after much debate, Lonely Author is thinking of tossing his New York Yankees cap into the political arena.
Please don’t ask me what party I am affiliated with. Lonely Author will attend any party that serves wine and finger foods.
Forget the false campaign promises. Forget the chicken in every pot (or as they promise in Colorado some pot in every chicken).
Why make America great again; when we can make it Pretty Darn Good.
Yes, you heard me. Let’s Make America Pretty Darn Good Again.
If nominated I am considering my good friend Bun Karyudo as my Veep. Not sure if he will accept since he is currently unconsideration to be the next James Bond. (Here is the link to his page to read the stuff that leaves Lonely Author LOLing) https://bunkaryudo.wordpress.com/
Happy 2016.
Have a great week.
Keep smiling.
Keep writing.
The Lonely Author 