A Modern Day Response to the 12 Days of Christmas
Dear True Love,
Thank you for the sweet gift of a partridge in a pear tree. It was romantic and thoughtful. Can’t wait to see you again.
Signed Your Sweetheart
Dear True Love,
I am overwhelmed by your boundless generosity. You have given me more than I deserve. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but please stop. Perhaps, you misunderstood me when you visited. Yes, I love angry birds, but this isn’t what I meant. I don’t have enough room in my humble home for all of these birds.
Signed Your Grateful Sweetheart
ENOUGH ALREADY! Stop sending me your stupid gifts. I contacted you after the first fours days of Christmas asking you to stop. After all, what was I going to do with all the noisy birds. Then, to make amends, you were thoughtful enough to send me 5 golden rings.
However, on day 6 you started with the freaking birds again.
Now, my house is a total wreck and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
First, I haven’t slept in days. Then, on the 11th day of Christmas you sent me the eleven Pipers piping. Those annoying idiots haven’t stopped piping. You make things worse sending 12 Drummers drumming. How is a woman supposed to sleep with all this noise?
With all this music going on the 10 Lords a leaping are hopping all over the place crushing the 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, and 2 turle doves. There is blood, feathers, and bird dropping everywhere.
Then, the Lords a leaping got together with 9 ladies dancings and trust me, the 6 geese aren’t the only ones who are laying.
The 8 Maids a milking splattered milk everywhere. Well, the 9 Ladies dancing slipping. Two crashed into the pear tree knocking off the poor partridge. Three others fell on the 7 Swans a swimming. And one broke her hip.
My life and house are a disaster. There are 7 law suits currently filed against me. The condo’s Homeowner Association has asked me to vacate the premises immediately.
This is the last correspondence you will be receiving from me. You will be hearing from the police since I requested an order of protection. And the next letter you receive will be from my attorneys Noel, Noel, & Fitch.
Signed One Angry Lady
Have a wonderful week.