In A Flash

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In A Flash

Flash was born premature.
Now, he suffers a sad plight
he hoped would never last.

No matter how much he fights
to control himself, he always
finishes everything too fast.

He went to the movies on a date.
When an actress screamed fire
he steamed out like a percolator.

Now he is the loneliest guy in town.
Cause all the single girls realize
Flash is a premature evacuator.

Happy week.

Keep smiling.  Keep writing.

Lonely Author: My First Pedicure

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“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.

Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.

Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.

To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.

A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.

I could get used to this.

I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”

The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.

Forget the conversation.

This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.

The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….

Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.

The entire salon turned to look at me.

“I’m ticklish.”

Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.

Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.

At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.

Women are built to stand excruciating torture.

No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.

Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream.  It actually made me a little drowsy.

Two quick taps on my foot.

Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.

Two more taps.

A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”

How humiliating.

She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.

An hour later, I entered my apartment.

Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.

No one noticed my lovely pedals.

I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.

Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.

I THINK NOT.

 

 

Changes to Lonely Author

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Lonely Author wants to thank everyone for putting up with his six week Lovefest. Also, sending special thanks to everyone who encouraged me with my Devil Girl Diaries.

During the past six weeks I have posted twice a day six days a week.

A pace that I can’t continue…..

There are characters banging inside my thick Chimp skull wanting to get out. Not to mention the characters of my completed novels and screenplays wanting their stories to be read/viewed.

There is also the issue of helping the butterflies in my life.

My daughter struggling with college as her mother’s health wanes.

My battered lady friends complaining, “I am always too busy.”

My pouting Allie accusing me of loving my blog more than I love her.

IT IS TOTALLY MY FAULT, for spoiling them.

In a nutshell, I will post less often. Some weeks more than others.

However, I will follow all of you faithfully, leaving my stupid comments, sharing bad jokes, hopefully inspiring, definitely flirting, and leaving an occasional Chimpism.

I must confess, this saddens me, but…..

My butterflies and characters need to be tended to.

From the bottom of my heart and the heart of my bottom, I thank each and every one of you for your support.

If anyone needs to get in touch with me you can do it via my Contact Me page or via twitter @LonelyAuthorNY.

Have a wonderful week.
Keep smiling.
Keep writing.

Supermarket Sin

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Supermarket Sin

We exchanged long glances
in cereal, aisle seventeen
she inspected granola bars
it was Lucky Charms for me
she admired my choice
it made me quite ambitious
In my sexiest voice I whispered
they’re magically delicious

unimpressed she went her way
but this chimp never quits
before I chased after her
I picked up AppleBits
she gave a dirty look in produce
did she consider me a felon
I gazed at her so lovingly
As she squeezed her juicy melons

she began to fondle the dry nuts
it made me a little queasy
she smiled at this blushing chimp
does she think that I’m so easy
she picked up a forbidden fruit
and flashed her bad girl smile
nothing beats supermarket sin
unless it’s love in the produce aisle

Last week after my post “Just Dessert” I got into a conversation with my friend Sandra of what Sandra thinks. The following day she posted a short story entitled “dessert first” which was written in a supermarket.  Our crazy conversation led to me offering to write a poem about love in a supermarket.  Here is the link to Sandra’s piece.

dessert first.

Photo borrowed from Google Images.

Lonely Author: More Top Ten Marriage Courses For Men (If You Want A Happy Marriage)

Staying with the love theme, Lonely Author wants to share a little of his Cupidities.

Due to the overwhelming enrollment for the Fall Marriage classes, there have been some new courses added to the Spring semester. Ladies here is your chance to mold your future or current groom to your liking.

In case you missed it, here is the link to the original courses:

https://thelonelyauthorblog.wordpress.com/2015/10/30/top-twelve-courses-for-married-men-if-you-want-a-happy-marriage/

More Top Ten Spring Courses For Men
If you Want A Happy Marriage

 

Garbage
It Doesn’t Throw Itself Out
Slideshow and discussion

Monogamy
Yes, it can be done.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions, Full Lobotomies, & Male Chastity Belts offered.

The Stove/Oven
What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration

Toe Nail Clippings
Where they go and where they don’t
Open Forum

Overcoming Your Fears
Baby’s Diaper: They Don’t Change Themselves
Step by Step Slide Presentation

Futurama
The modern technology behind the Washer & Dryer
Live Demonstrations

Your Other Mother
After your wife, your next mother. Mother-In-Laws are people too
Role Play

Sweat socks
No, it’s not male lingerie
Open discussion

Health Watch                                                        Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes

Miracles Do Happen
True Confessions of Maturity
Hotlines and Support Groups

 

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

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Lonely Author Tells All in his new tell all book entitled “Tell All.”

Yes, staying with the “Love theme” Lonely Author has decided to pen a “Tell-All.”  Never a smoocher & teller, the time has come to spill the beans in hopes of earning some bread.

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As you can see, Mother Lonely Author wanted a girl. I am not proud of this.

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Even through my early years, she insisted I get in touch with my feminine side. I am not proud of this either.

maxresdefault (2)Yes, Lonely Author worked his way through college as a pole swinger.  My stage name was Lonely Stripper.  I am not proud of this either.

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Okay, let’s get down to the down and dirty stuff. Yeah, Paris Hilton. What can I say. We were regular lip lockers. She wasn’t bad. In the end I had to break her heart. Her kisses were too rich for my tastes.

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Yes Beyonce. Terrible shame we couldn’t work things out. She went totally bananas. So, I had to cut off the monkey business.

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Lady Gaga and Lonely Author had a Bad Romance. Where do you think she got the idea for the song?

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Kim K., family, and friends wanted to have some kinky fun with Lonely Author.  Obviously, I had to turn them down. Strange thing is they swore I was a swinger.

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This one breaks my heart. Me & Katy Perry, uh-huh. Lonely Author actually discovered the talented brunette. A little know fact is she penned her first song after one of our classic smoochfests. The song was originally entitled, “I Kissed A Chimp and I Liked It.” Sadly, we broke up because of creative differences. I think she’s never recovered.

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Here is Lonely Author raking in the dough when his Tell-All hits the book stores.

(Please note: No animals were harmed making this post).

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

Lonely Author’s Secret Admirer Goes Bananas

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Yes, people I have to let the truth be known; because I want the world to know. I can no longer contain this secrecy.  Lonely Author has a secret admirer.

Yes, someone has fallen for this charming Chimp and I have incriminating evidence.

Today, I have over 165 views. All from ONE dedicated follower. Yes ONE follower. In my brief blogging history, I have only made 82 posts, but my secret admirer has read each and every one of them twice today. And she has liked my 82 posts 87 times.

Is that dedicaton or what?

To my devoted ONE follower I say…I am flattered, honored, and well… surprised that anyone would go that apeshit over me.

Arrivederci, my love.

 

 

 

Lonely Author For President: Let’s Make America Pretty Darn Good Again

Sorry for the sloppiness in my post. There was quite a bit of static on my cell phone when my friend suggested the perfect post to start 2016 with a bang; presidential erections.

Start the Pomp and Circumstance

Yes, after much debate, Lonely Author is thinking of tossing his New York Yankees cap into the political arena.

Please don’t ask me what party I am affiliated with. Lonely Author will attend any party that serves wine and finger foods.

Forget the false campaign promises. Forget the chicken in every pot (or as they promise in Colorado some pot in every chicken).

Why make America great again; when we can make it Pretty Darn Good.

Yes, you heard me. Let’s Make America Pretty Darn Good Again.

If nominated I am considering my good friend Bun Karyudo as my Veep. Not sure if he will accept since he is currently unconsideration to be the next James Bond.  (Here is the link to his page to read the stuff that leaves Lonely Author LOLing) https://bunkaryudo.wordpress.com/

Let’s Make America Pretty Darn Good Again

  1. Why build walls, when we can make fences? Yes fences. How else are we going to stop the neighbor’s dog from pooping on our lawns? You see America. I know what you really want.
  2. Stop all false advertising. Say the truth: One size fits none! As George Carlin once said “New and Improved is impossible. If it’s new it can’t be improved. And if it’s improved; it can’t possibly be new.”
  3. A portable lie detector for every female over the age of 16. Yes, that way all the ladies can know when her friend/boyfriend/husband is a lying cheating scoundrel. (Hey, move over Hilary. I know how to pander to the female vote).

Happy 2016.

Have a great week.

Keep smiling.

Keep writing.

 

chimpPolitician

 

Lonely Author Stockings Stuffers

Ugh. Not another fiasco. Last year it was my failed Christmas venture – The Lonely Author Glow in the Dark Yo-Yo (No Strings Attached).

Now my special toy for this holiday season won’t make the Kmart shelves. Yes, I am sorry to announce you won’t be finding The Lonely Author Action figures in your stockings this year.

To make it up to you, I will make a few recommendations.

Everything I Never Told You – Many of you already know Tosha Michelle, in case you don’t you, have to read her work. Ever since Lonely Author was a little boy he rooted for the underdog. Here is a brave, poetic Little Engine That Could entitled The Poem That Wanted to be a Rock Anthem. http://laliterati.com/2015/12/13/the-poem-that-wanted-to-be-a-rock-anthem/

Christina Strigas – Chrissy has a unique writing style; delightful feminine tough girl. Her words jump off the page. Being the King of my castle I have little affinity from strong female voices (Excuse me one second. Yes, dear.  Uh-huh. Can I do the breakfast dishes after I finish this post please? Thanks Snookums).  Here is a post from yesterday entitled Never. https://christinastrigas.wordpress.com/2015/12/21/never/

Love Letters Lost At Sea – I accidentally discovered this blog Saturday evening. She recently started re-blogging. She doesn’t have many poems posted yet, but they are all good. Here is a link to a small paragraph she wrote entitled Flaw. It is well worth your time. https://loveletterslostatsea.wordpress.com/2015/12/19/flawed/

Moonskittles – This is the most versatile writer I have ever met. She can write anything (and do it well). Her writing is brilliant and then surprise; this school teacher is one of the funniest person I have ever met. She’s made me cry more than the IRS. Do yourself a favor, you need to meet her. https://moonskittles.wordpress.com/

I hope you enjoy my suggestions.

Happy holidays

Keep smiling

Keep writing

potd-chimp_3140970k

 

A Modern Day Response to the 12 Days of Christmas

A Modern Day Response to the 12 Days of Christmas

Day 1

Dear True Love,

Thank you for the sweet gift of a partridge in a pear tree. It was romantic and thoughtful. Can’t wait to see you again.

Signed Your Sweetheart

Day 4

Dear True Love,

I am overwhelmed by your boundless generosity. You have given me more than I deserve. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but please stop. Perhaps, you misunderstood me when you visited. Yes, I love angry birds, but this isn’t what I meant. I don’t have enough room in my humble home for all of these birds.

Signed Your Grateful Sweetheart

Day 12

Dear Moron,

ENOUGH ALREADY! Stop sending me your stupid gifts. I contacted you after the first fours days of Christmas asking you to stop. After all, what was I going to do with all the noisy birds. Then, to make amends, you were thoughtful enough to send me 5 golden rings.

However, on day 6 you started with the freaking birds again.

Now, my house is a total wreck and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

First, I haven’t slept in days.  Then, on the 11th day of Christmas you sent me the eleven Pipers piping. Those annoying idiots haven’t stopped piping. You make things worse sending 12 Drummers drumming. How is a woman supposed to sleep with all this noise?

With all this music going on the 10 Lords a leaping are hopping all over the place crushing the 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, and 2 turle doves. There is blood, feathers, and bird dropping everywhere.

Then, the Lords a leaping got together with 9 ladies dancings and trust me, the 6 geese aren’t the only ones who are laying.

The 8 Maids a milking splattered milk everywhere. Well, the 9 Ladies dancing slipping. Two crashed into the pear tree knocking off the poor partridge.  Three others fell on the 7 Swans a swimming. And one broke her hip.

My life and house are a disaster. There are 7 law suits currently filed against me. The condo’s Homeowner Association has asked me to vacate the premises immediately.

This is the last correspondence you will be receiving from me. You will be hearing from the police since I requested an order of protection.  And the next letter you receive will be from my attorneys Noel, Noel, & Fitch.

Drop dead.

Signed One Angry Lady

 

Have a wonderful week.

Keep smiling

Keep writing.

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