Five Things I Learned By Studying Men (That The Women In My Life Admired)

When I was a kid my mother told me to study people.  You can learn so much by watching the habits of a winner.  Learn from the mistakes of losers so you don’t make them yourself.

I took this a step further.  I have always paid attention to the men the women in my life admired.

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5 – My mother admired Joe Namath. She wasn’t a football fan, but she admired the way Namath guaranteed the New York Jets would win the Super Bowl III and how he backed it up. She always told me a real man kept his word. Men need to be trusted and keeping your word is the best way to earn trust.

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4 – My BFF loves a man who can make her laugh. I believe no man should take himself TOO seriously. The ability to make light of oneself is important. Easing the tension in stressful moments can be a gift. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating a man be a clown. No woman admires that. My philosophy has always been if you can’t laugh at yourself, well, you have no right to laugh at anyone else. And a little laughter si always better than a whole lot of stress.

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3 – My Ex had to see every Kevin Costner movie that came out. What do women love about Kevin Costner? He portrays sensitive men, but he is always a MAN. A defender of women. Women hate wimpy whiney buffoons. Sure, they want a man to be sensitive to their needs, desires, good listeners, etc, but first and foremost, he needs to still be a man.

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2 – My daughter Catherine always had a crush for Johnny Castle (the male protagonist from Dirty Dancing). I think she still does. What can you learn from a fictional character? A whole lot about women. Every woman wants to be with a good man, yet they all admire and desire the bad boy. A little bad boy can also help keep the flames burning hopefully avoiding the dulling of romance.

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1 – Allie has a thing for the McDreamy character of Grey’s Anatomy played by Patrick Dempsey. The character Derek Shepherd is a neurosurgeon at a hospital in Seattle. Women appreciate intelligence. They love great conversation. Dumb jocks can be fun, but you have to talk sooner or later. DUH.  Intelligent, charming conversation is important to women.

And these are a few thing I have learned by studying the men the ladies in my life admire.

Thanks for reading.

Have a great weekend.

In A Flash

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In A Flash

Flash was born premature.
Now, he suffers a sad plight
he hoped would never last.

No matter how much he fights
to control himself, he always
finishes everything too fast.

He went to the movies on a date.
When an actress screamed fire
he steamed out like a percolator.

Now he is the loneliest guy in town.
Cause all the single girls realize
Flash is a premature evacuator.

Happy week.

Keep smiling.  Keep writing.

The Spy Who Loves You

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The Spy Who Loves You

I sauntered into the royal casino so grand
me a tuxedo chimp so suave and debonair
prepared for a night of dangerous espionage
cause scoundrels were lurking everywhere

I studied the environment to make my move
my instincts led me to the only seat untaken
burly Bartender asked “what’s your poison?”
I smiled, “Chocolate milk stirred not shaken”

a sexy lady crossed long legs that led to paradise
“My name is Sugar Ann Spice and I’m feeling blue”
I flashed a smart smile, “Author, Lonely Author
tonight, lucky lady I’ll be the spy who loves you”

With a wink I suggested a game of naked Twister
would she be interested in taking an odd chance
she admired a roll of silver dollars in my pocket
and dared to ask if that was a gun in my pants

Oh what a painful double cross for Chimpy me
how could this super spy Chimp possibly know?
he imagined wild passions with Sugar Ann Spice
instead this sexy siren turned out to be Dr. No

 

Warning  to my friends: There are many things I share with my wife Allie.  This Friday April 8th we celebrate our birthdays.  This week the Chimp will be borderline giddy. You can expect to find silly comments on your blogs throughout the week.

Photo from Google Images

 

Lonely Author: My First Pedicure

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“You never had a pedicure?” Stunned, my wife and daughter stared at me.

Maybe the Chimp needed to get in touch with his feminine side.

Coming home from my doctor’s appointment, I journeyed into a beauty salon.

To ignore the strange looks from the women I picked up a magazine.  Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner doesn’t feel like a woman anymore.

A tiny Asian woman led me to chair that stood above a tub. Removing my sneakers, socks, and rolling up my jeans, I sank my feet into the warm water.

I could get used to this.

I started clever salon conversation. “Are you excited about the new season of ‘The Voice?’”

The thin woman next to me made awful sounds with her gum as if she learned to chew by watching cattle grazing.

Forget the conversation.

This Chimp knows there’s no greater turn off than a man with crusty nails. So, there wasn’t much for the old lady to do there.

The old lady started rubbing some grating apparatus against my heel. When she moved to the bridge of my foot….

Quickly withdrawing, I yelled, and leapt out of my seat.

The entire salon turned to look at me.

“I’m ticklish.”

Returning my hoof to the old lady, I ignored a room full of shaking heads and rolling eyes.

Biting my lip, she continued on that sweet spot.

At this moment I knew men are the weaker sex; child birth, monthly cramps, pedicures, raising immature husbands.

Women are built to stand excruciating torture.

No wonder why I couldn’t keep a woman. I submitted them to this cruel torture.

Minutes later she massaged my foot with a fragrant cream.  It actually made me a little drowsy.

Two quick taps on my foot.

Some relaxing Oriental massage trick.

Two more taps.

A salon full of women yelled in unison, “She wants the other foot.”

How humiliating.

She painted my toe nails with a clear enamel although a cream colored French manicure may have gone well with my Earth tone eyes.

An hour later, I entered my apartment.

Leaving my shoes and socks on the welcome mat, I stood before my wife and daughter. Then, I truly got in touch with my feminine side.

No one noticed my lovely pedals.

I truly knew how it felt to be a woman; an unappreciated flower.

Alas, getting in touch with my feminine side wasn’t what I thought it would be.

Perhaps, next time I want to get in touch with my feminine side I could get a Brazilian Wax.

I THINK NOT.

 

 

Living With Lonely Author

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Imagine Lonely Author is single, you and I are starting a relationship…..yeah I want to brush your hair, paint your toe nails, meet your friends, watch TV and movies with you, massage your feet, take you shoe shopping, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH…

No, it’s not all bananas and roses…

To be fair and balanced, here is a list of the complaints from old girlfriends, wives, and Allie.

1- Chimp loves to spoon. Not a problem? Well, I have a bad sinus problem so I SNORE. To give you an idea, while on a long distance flight to visit a girlfriend a stewardess woke me up because “my snoring scared the other passengers.”
2- Flirting. Last year prior to my surgery, with Allie standing by my side, I invited a nurse to go bowling with us after surgery. (If you’re the jealous type you have to let me know, so I can tone it down).
3- This may bother some ladies; I need a tissue to watch some movies. Seriously, did Leo have to the die in the freezing water?? Couldn’t Kate scoot over just a bit?  Bitch.
4- Disorganized work space.
5- I help with ALL chores, including laundry, but I hate folding. Don’t ask me to fold. Also if I pull a t-shirt from the bottom of the drawer where you left everything neatly folded, good chance it won’t be as neat as you left it.
6- I talk to myself to rehearse dialogue. Done it in the street, on the train, etc.  I’ve received many smacks from butterflies (including my daughter) for doing so.
7- This drives me absolutely insane. Serious conversations & dinner dates are cell phone-less. I need eye contact. You can blog, text, DM, Facebook, or twitter your booty off, but I refuse to talk to the back of your phone.
8- Overprotective (not in that clingy creepy way). You have all the freedom in the world to go out as often as you want with whomever you want. Chimp is secure enough to not fret about that. But he will worry about your safety.
9- I worry. Years ago, I lost my parents (my only family). I don’t want to lose anyone else.
10- At bedtime, before my head touches the pillow, I’m asleep. So any question you ask will be answered with a LOUD – See number 1.
11- I need time for blogging & writing.
12- I remove your shoes. Please respect this.
12- Terrible at saving.
14- Will jump at anyone who says anything bad about you. Back when I had a Facebook page, a cousin once said something hurtful to Allie about how an outfit fit her. I responded with several nasty comments that ripped her cousin to shreds. I have no mercy with bullies or anyone who attacks someone’s insecurities.
15- When we go out I need to see you wear lipstick or gloss whatever you prefer. (Make up is up to you).

 

 

Supermarket Sin

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Supermarket Sin

We exchanged long glances
in cereal, aisle seventeen
she inspected granola bars
it was Lucky Charms for me
she admired my choice
it made me quite ambitious
In my sexiest voice I whispered
they’re magically delicious

unimpressed she went her way
but this chimp never quits
before I chased after her
I picked up AppleBits
she gave a dirty look in produce
did she consider me a felon
I gazed at her so lovingly
As she squeezed her juicy melons

she began to fondle the dry nuts
it made me a little queasy
she smiled at this blushing chimp
does she think that I’m so easy
she picked up a forbidden fruit
and flashed her bad girl smile
nothing beats supermarket sin
unless it’s love in the produce aisle

Last week after my post “Just Dessert” I got into a conversation with my friend Sandra of what Sandra thinks. The following day she posted a short story entitled “dessert first” which was written in a supermarket.  Our crazy conversation led to me offering to write a poem about love in a supermarket.  Here is the link to Sandra’s piece.

dessert first.

Photo borrowed from Google Images.

To The Boobs At WordPress

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Or you can join WordPress and you will feel their presence everyday.

Don’t get me wrong. Lonely Author appreciates boobs just as much as the other guy. But come on.

The Boobs at WordPress never cease to amaze me. Now, I no longer receive email notifications of new posts from the people I follow.

REALLY???

They may not think it matters, but it does to me. The Reader is inconsistent.

I just ran through the Reader and I saw no posts from Blogs I follow most faithfully. Nothing from Dajena, Tosha, Leslie, Meg, Geetha, Soeline, Carisa, Annie, Christina, Thomas, Lisa, Jacqueline, Jennifer, Lamarr, Marissa, Spiritkeepers, Bushka, Dr Colton, Siren Song, Souldiergirl, Miss Amelia, Mary, Suza, Monica, Sheila, Arohii, Chape, Paul, Bun, Jen. Getting Over Anxiety, Laurel, & so many others.

Should I assume they haven’t posted anything??

I follow everyone who follows me. So, imagine trying to keep up with 1000+ using only the reader.

If I receive email notifications, I can hold on to them until I have a chance to catch up with my reading. So I don’t miss a thing.

But WordPress Boobs continue to fix what is not broken.

Hey, I currently have about 7 Blogger friends you CAN’T comment on my posts. And So far, there is one Blog that I follow devotedly and my comments never appear on hers.

FIX THAT BOOBS

I tried to contact these Keystone Cops about these communication problems, but no reply.

Alas, this Chimp will find a new way to keep up with his closest friends.

I could only dream that the boobs at WordPress get an enhancement, perhaps some Big Boobs will make things better. If not, at least, they will be a pleasure to look at.

Toodles