50 Shades of Black and Blue

Friends on occasion ask me, Lonely Author do you penchant poetry? Yes, people close to me use the word penchant. That demonstrates I don’t monkey around when it comes to deciding who I let into my inner circle.

After journeying through the blogosphere and reading the intriguing works of many a poet and poetess, I am inspired to dabble in poetic verse or two.

I hope I inspire you as well. (And I don’t mean to quit writing.)

50 Shades of Black and Blue

                                                    By Lonely Author

She beat me to a pulp
that’s what sadists do
kicked me over and over
til I was 50 shades of black and blue

She hit me with a bat
slammed against the window sill
oh the excruciating pain
she showed me my cable bill

Poked me in the eye
smashed my little toe
stomped on my fingers
all to prevent me from writing prose

Have a wonderful week. Hope I made you smile.

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Do Fiction Writers Live Vicariously Through Their Characters?

Yes, I do.

Remember the last time someone acted a bit snarky with you at the supermarket or on line at the local bank. Have you replayed a moment like that in your mind wishing you had said something clever? Well, one of my secondary characters in my manuscript Paradox, his name is Razor, always has a wry remark ready. Yes, and I grit my teeth and shake my fist every time he says the clever line that’s never discharged from my mouth.

Do I Live vicariously through my characters?

YES, yes, yes. I admit it. With no shame or guilt. My characters accomplish all the things that I never could. They lead exciting lives traveling the world, sipping on the finest champagne, making love to the most beautiful women, and most importantly; overcoming every obstacle. And trust me, I make it hard for them!

Andrew Duran the mysterious fugitive with the secretive past; skilled in combat and in bed. Veyda the unselfish warrior determined to save mankind, ready to sacrifice her own happiness to save the world. These guys are filled with such passion. Theirs lives are extraordinary.

So, I admit my characters bring excitement to my life. And why not? They are the most interesting people I know.

Do you live through vicariously through your characters?

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The Baby Said, “Oh Shit.”

My day started like any other day cursing the literary Gods for not publishing my brilliant novel while standing in the kitchen adding sweetener to my morning coffee. Knocking the jar over, the delicious whiteness spilled onto the counter. Before I could fret over the sudden delay in my morning fix or over the rising cost of sugar, the baby said, “Oh shit.”

The child looked at me and smiled.

The thought “don’t laugh” echoed in my skull like an obnoxious car alarm screeching in the freakin’ middle of the night. Where did she learn such an appropriate phrase? And I say appropriate only because she used it in all its contextual glory with perfect pronunciation and intonation; all this from a two year old who to this day won’t say her own name.

Did she learn this language watching Peppa Pig? Or has SpongeBob gotten his Square Pants in a bunch? Where in the world could she haven’t learned this language?

Taking the low road as any respectful male adult would do, I chose to ignore her choice of words as if this mere act could strike the phrase from her memory. After making a mental note to advise my wife of the baby’s newest vocabulary word, I started cleaning up the mess.

As fate would have it, I stubbed my big toe and a thousand thunder bolts attacked my aching appendage like Walmart shoppers on Black Friday. Before I could bite my lip I uttered, “Oh shit.”

Baby looked at me. She raised her thick brows and smiled.

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Top Ten Disadvantages To Marrying a Writer

Top Ten Disadvantages to Marrying A Writer

10- He encourages you to find your voice even when you don’t have laryngitis

   9- You will be expected to critique the first draft of the Dear John letter he is writing for you.

   8- Writer’s block prevents her from completing the grocery list.

   7- During disagreements your spouse will always take the omniscient point of view.

   6- He provides vivid descriptions of what he did in the bathroom.

   5- The only time he will throw out the garbage if you refer to it as the slush pile.

   4- During the middle of an argument your spouse stops to search for a thesaurus in order to avoid word repetition.

   3- You go to a sex counselor and realize your spouse’s definition of climax is different from yours.

   2- Your spouse will inform you the threatening tone in an IRS letter is an example of foreshadowing.

   1- He reads your private diary at his weekly writing workshop.

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